I-n-f-e-r-t-i-l-i-t-y

Ouch. That hurts. To say it. To feel it. To acknowledge it. It's real. I'm broken.

I stole this poem from another blog, the author is unknown. It so clearly reflects what I am feeling today, on the day that my doctor first referred me to an infertility specialist. I will fight. I will not give up. It will happen. I will succeed. I WILL BE AN AMAZING MOTHER. I will not take for granted any little moment. If I am ever able to carry a child in my womb, I will not complain of swollen ankles and morning sickness. I will cherish every ache and discomfort. If it never happens for me, I will continue to fight. There are so many options anymore. I WILL BE A MOTHER. I will be a mommy. I will love a child with my very being. I will sacrifice my whole heart for little hands. Until then, I will love other peoples children with all the love I have to give. I will counsel, teach, protect and love my students. I will let my love for Royce grow ever stronger. I will not stop loving. I will not give up.

“Thoughts on Becoming a Mother”

There are women that become mothers without effort,

without thought, without patience or loss

and though they are good mothers and love their children,

I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation

are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my little child.

I will take time to watch her sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of her cry,

knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her

and not waking to a cry of broken dream, for my DREAM will be crying for me.

I consider myself lucky in this sense;

that God has given me insight, this special vision

with which I will look upon her unlike any one else.

I will NOT be careless of my LOVE.

I have been trialed by fire and hell that others may have faced,

yet given time, and 9 months, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

When I see others hurt around me,

I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better,

I can make it less lonely.

I have learned that immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,

of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth

and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate my life.

....YES! I will Be a Wonderful Mother...

-------------AUTHOR UNKNOWN

A future life

I've been watching my counseling mentor, Katrina, order some really neat things for her sessions and it made me think... There should be a thrift store just for EDUCATORS out there! Where teachers, counselors, librarians and principals can all turn in their old stuff. To be sold to other teachers, counselors, librarians and principals! It would save us all so much money! I pick up odds and ends at thrift stores, yard sales and auctions, but wouldn't it be great if there was a store where you could browse all the teaching goodies (books, games, toys, textbooks, bulletin board stuff, posters) and pay less than half the retail cost?!? I've seen Katrina buy some books and games for cost and end up disappointed once they actually arrive. What a bummer!!!

This BullyWise Dominoes game has some neat scenario cards that students solve the problem or answer the question. But it costs $25! And the game makers have a lot of varieties to the domino games, there's one for empathy, feelings, friendship and anger, that are basically the same game with different scenario cards. But each set costs $25. And the game makers are clever, and mean, and don't have just the different cards available!

This it the Talking, Feeling, Doing game. Apparently, a cure-all game that can be used for almost any topic. But, in order to purchase it, you have to provide a copy of your degree (Masters School Counseling) and the whole set (with board game, ball, manual and card game sets- not all shown!) costs almost $300! You can buy it piece by piece, but that just adds up quicker, with the board game costing $50, the manual costing $40 and the card sets each at $22... plus shipping and handling!

Anyways, At least I know I have options. If, after all this time & effort, I decide not to pursue a career in either teaching or counseling, I could just open up a shop. Maybe Royce would work with me. My half of the shop would be teacher-hand-me-downs, his half could all be toy cars and novelty items. Probably not gonna happen, but someone should do it!

This week marks the year. Nothings happening.

I just wanna be a mom. And make Royce a daddy.

Most everything I've done in my life thus far has been temporary. A necessary step to the next step. Well, I'm sick of it. I'm ready to be done with those "steps" and move along to my FOREVER.

I want to be a mom.

That's all. I just want to be a mom. And I want Royce to be a dad. More than anything.