A Year in the Making

A year ago today, with the assistance of some great people at the Sandy Reproductive Care Center, Royce and I made that sweet baby boy of ours! I have to say, he is definitely the best project I've ever been a part of, and he is better than I ever imagined. Practically perfect in every way. So good, in fact, Royce and I worry that we may not have any more good genes in us! Anyways, it has been the most amazing year and I am very excited to see what the next one brings us!!

Still Smilin'!!

A year ago today, my pee stick smiled at me, indicating that my body was finally on track to make a baby. I can vividly recall the happiness and anticipation I felt that day. I had very little hope that it would actually work that first time, but I was positive anyways because at least my body was cooperating. It was that day that I finally realized that I was going to be able to do this, I was going to be able to get pregnant, to be a mom.

29 weeks (almost 30!!)

We had another doctors appt. today. With the new doctor. I was anxious about my decision to change doctors 7 months in. But I have no regrets! Right from the start, he was just 100% more personable. While the nurse was doing my blood pressure in the hallway, he walked by and said, "I'll be right with you, Tracy." and patted my shoulder. He knew who I was. When he came in to the office, he shook mine and Royce's hands and asked how we were. Genuinely. Then he pulled out his computer and started going over our chart. "Did Julia go over your targeted ultrasound results with you?" "ummm... not really." And he did. Thoroughly. Instead of "Everything looks normal." He told us what normal meant. What everything meant. Head, legs, abdomen, heart, brain, lungs, etc. all looked good. My fluid looked good. The only thing he hesitated on was my placenta. Apparently, I have a posterior placenta, which means that it is attached to the uterus in the back. This seems to be the most common placement for it, so that's fine. But apparently the cords typically connect right in the center of the placenta whereas Hudson's cords attach off to one side. This doesn't necessarily mean trouble, but it can sometimes lead to smaller babies. It is just something to be monitored. And I expect that this doctor will be great at doing just that. After going through the targeted ultrasound results, he went through the history of the pregnancy to see that my blood pressure has always been in the normal range, observed my weight gain and actually said that since my last appointment 4 weeks ago, I'd only gained 2.6 lbs (a total of 26.6 so far) and he would like to see 1 lb/week. Believe me, (or talk to Royce), I am certainly not trying to not gain! He asked about swelling and told me to expect more lower leg swelling in the coming weeks, as well as a general numbness in my hands and arms. Then he did the ultrasound, correctly calling our son a BOY, and described his positioning to us. Hudson was head-down, face-up, meaning that his head is downwards, feet up, and his face is looking forward. His little mouth was wide open. He was wiggling the whole time! Dr. Alejo took us all around his little body, showing us his abdomen, his legs, his boy parts. He did measurements. He is weighing in at about 3 lbs. 10 oz., and approximately 29 weeks 6 days, which is actually 2 days ahead of schedule. He asked if we had any questions. (We didn't.) Then it was time to wait for my glucose test. All-in-all, I definitely think I made the right decision to change doctors. I feel more informed of what is happening inside my body and my baby's body.

Another symptom- Fat Feet!!

My fat feet (and ankles!) from walking the Coalville car show. Yes, I drank LOTS of water, and yes, I did put them up that night. By bedtime, they were back to normal.

Remember what I said about being able to keep my emotions in check? Well... they may have run amok a little on Friday. We had "plans" to take our Airstream trailer up to Coalville and stay the night for the car show on Saturday. Well, I thought we had plans. Nothing was etched in stone. It was just an idea I had had several weeks ago and Royce seemed on-board. When I woke up Friday morning, I suddenly realized the disaster that was my house, and that my mother would be walking into that disaster to take care of my dogs. I fretted all morning as I got ready for work and straightened up what little I could. But by the time I got to work, I had decided "to hell with it. It's my mess. She can think what she wants. I'm living life while I can." But apparently my panic in the morning stuck with Royce. Later that afternoon, he called to see if we could go check out my car at the shop and get some of the junk out of it. I asked if they had specifically asked us to come get stuff, and indicated that I would rather not go. And that seemed to be the end of it. Until that evening, after work. We were both starving, and I, once again, was craving "pizzeria" pizza (not delivery!), so we called the Circle Inn in Sunset for a pickup. On our way, we stopped at the ATM for cash. But our stupid card wouldn't work. It was NOT insufficient funds. Royce was sure that it was my fault, that I had done something wrong, or that I had let him key in the wrong-something-or-other, that I could fix it. As we pulled away defeated and confused, and that much hungrier, he started going on about how we were wasting time, nothing was getting done, that the one thing he had wanted to do was not even an option. WHAT?!? How did we get to this?? I never said we couldn't go to Jack's shop, I merely implied that I didn't want to. If I had had any idea that it was such a big deal, I would have just done it. No biggie. But it was. By this time, Royce was screaming and swearing at and about everything. I tried to keep my calm, but I finally screamed and swore back. When we finally got our pizza home and ate it, we had calmed down some, but our plans were completely in the air. He didn't feel like the plans were definite enough, he felt out of control about them and about the fact that his car was in the shop. But I couldn't provide any more info or details, so I don't know what the big deal was. About the car, I trusted Jack's shop to do what needed to be done. About camping, I was completely fine with doing it or not. So, I hid in my playroom, did some cleaning up for baby's room, while he took a nap on the chair. At about 7:30, he slinks into the room, "You ready to go?" and offers me a "sorry." I finish what I'm doing and we quietly load up the trailer. The ride through the canyon was silent. As I was looking out the window, I swell up with emotions, thinking about what my innocent baby had heard, and I start crying. Silent tears ran down my cheeks for 5 minutes or more before Royce even noticed. Then he got very gentle and sweet and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I hated that our son had heard us like that. Royce tried to tell me that he probably thought it was the TV or something ('cuz he knows what a TV is...) and I explained that Hudson knows my voice, knows his voice. A couple of weeks ago, I read an article about babies crying in the womb. There was an ultrasound picture/video that showed the fetus' movements that very distinctly resembled crying, with shaking lips, open-mouth, arched back, etc. All I could think of was Hudson doing this because mommy and daddy were fighting, and no one being able to soothe him. It broke my heart. Royce seemed to understand this, even without the article/video explanation, and was very apologetic for his part in it. We agreed that we could disagree and fight ('cuz it's kind of inevitable) but that we cannot yell like that anymore. It scared me. I cried for another 10-15 minutes, just to get it out.

How Do I Feel?

People ask me, "How are you feeling?" I answer "Fine." "Good." "Great." "Tired." but really, I feel 29 weeks pregnant. That seems so ungrateful to say. I am blessed to be carrying this baby. I am overjoyed about this opportunity. I love and cherish every day of this pregnancy. But I still feel pregnant, which entails a lot of discomfort. I hate to complain, so I try not to. But I am uncomfortable, in the very best way possible. My abdomen is stretching, so it's constantly sore. My legs and hips are never quite in the right position. Walking even a short distance takes a lot of effort, and I move slower than ever before, which means my husband is always dragging me as he tries to hold my hand. Bending over is nearly impossible. My fingers are now too fat for my wedding ring. My back aches. At the end of the day, I just want to be naked. Clothes feel clingy or hot, shoes are restricting. I go from feeling hot, to feeling cool in seconds. At nighttime, I surround myself with at least 4 pillows; at home, I always use 2 when relaxing and at work, I have one on my chair. At other peoples' homes and out in public, I am constantly fidgeting and changing position. I am tired. My emotions are everywhere, though I am pretty good at keeping them in check, at least around other people. I pretty much always want sex, but I'm scared of it, and don't have the energy for it. It's all very frustrating. It's all very exciting. I am fine, good, great and tired, but that doesn't even begin to describe how I really feel, which is 29 weeks pregnant!!

Also... I crave pizza and lemonade. Pizzeria pizza, not delivery pizza. Tart lemonade... which then gives me heartburn.

Week 28- THIRD TRIMESTER!!!

This week I start my third trimester. That astounds me!! This is all going so very fast! Before you know it, I will have my "forever" life. I will be done being a student. I will hopefully find myself a teaching job. I will be a mommy. It's incredible. Not that I haven't worked hard for it though...

I do not have a bump picture to post, but wanted to do an update anyways.

How I am feeling:

• 
  
  Still just thrilled to have this experience!!!


• 
  
  So excited to meet my baby boy!


• 
  
  Loving almost every minute of this pregnancy!


• 
  
  The minutes I don't necessarily adore?- the backaches. the nighttimes. the leg cramps.


• 
  
  My back is sore every night. And most days. And it isn't even my back so much as my upper butt. Just uncomfortable. And Royce is not at all a masseuse. Wish I could find some relief. I will bring this up at my doctors appointment, which seems so far away on July 13.


• 
  
  The nighttimes are hard. I fall asleep easy enough, but then I toss and turn all night, which isn't easy considering I've sandwiched myself between 3 or 4 pillows which all have to move with me. Then there are the potty trips, a couple every night. And even though I don't necessarily wake up for that reason, and don't feel it so much laying down, as soon as I stand up, the urge just rushes down, which makes the already slow, painful walk to the bathroom that much worse.


• 
  
  My legs cramp up in the evening too. I can usually work them out with a good stretch.


• 
  
  The minutes I adore the most?- the wiggles!!!


• 
  
  I love when Hudson starts his wiggles. I feel them about every 20 minutes or so. Sometimes they're slight flutters, other times they are deliberate kicks and Royce can join in on the fun of feeling him. And sometimes they are all out acrobatics and make my whole tummy wave. I love taking time when they are strong and just feel at one with him. I just wish I could predict them better and know when other people could feel them too. I want my friends and family to feel how strong he is, but it's awkward when I have them put their hand on my belly and nothing happens 'cuz the little stinker has stopped.


• 
  
  I am even starting to feel relieved. After all my worrying yesterday, I worked on sorting through my jewelry, makeup and hair stuff, and Royce and his dad got our new dresser into the bedroom. I have a fairly free weekend, so I hope to get more done. Just gotta keep on it!!

The doctor

We went to our doctor yesterday for another pregnancy follow-up and everything looks great. Well, as great as you can see in 1.5 minutes. My doctor just doesn't spend time with us at all. She comes in, "How are you feeling? Is she moving around a lot? Any cramping or bleeding?" And I rush through the answer for each, "Great, Yeah he is a wiggler, No... well, leg cramps." And she processes it with "Make sure you're getting enough calcium, potassium and water." Then we move on to the ultrasound. The main event. The thing Royce and I wait eagerly for every 4 weeks. The first thing we thought about that morning- we get to see our baby! She finds him, "There's a head..." measures, "There's her nose" and Royce and I "ooh and aww", "Hmmm... she's kind of hiding today..." zoom in on the heart, hear HIS strong heart beat and we're done. She asks us if we have any questions, so I ask about my asthma, "Most asthma meds are totally safe, so just check again with your doctor..." then I ask about birthing classes "When we give you the preregistration packet, it will have the info about birthing classes." and lastly, I ask about my weight gain (I've gained 24 pounds, but I don't really see it anywhere but my belly) and she says its right on track and baby is growing accordingly. Then she sends us off with a reminder to drink the Glucose drink before next appt. and we're out. It seems so short. So impersonal. As she's leaving the room, Royce mouths to me "She kept saying SHE." Granted, she never got to that area today, and I know she just has no idea who we are, who our baby is, but it seems like something she might want to look at before she meets with patients. But she doesn't. She has little or no bedside manner. But she's good. She has great credentials and I know that she knows what she's doing. As long as everything goes well, I think she is the best person to have deliver my baby. Especially since that's really all she will be responsible for. Everything else, I'm sure, will be nurses. But if something goes wrong, she is not the person I want to deliver the message and information. I don't want to feel dependent on her for empathy and compassion, that is what Royce and my mom will be there for, but I do want to know that she is at least capable of it. And I really don't see it. I'm 6 months along and considering changing doctors, is that absolutely crazy? Is it even possible?

Week 25

First of all, I am sorry, no new bump pics yet. I need to do one in my "Dangerous curves ahead" tank that I started with. Maybe tonight...

How I am feeling:

Psyched to be a mommy!!

Scared to be a mommy!!

Falling more in love with my life everyday!

But also feeling very pregnant.

Body aches. Can't move. Chest feels tight.

My back aches after any amount of moving it.

My legs get cramps every night. Usually a good stretch will get rid of it, but last night they were true Charlie Horse pains. I even woke up Royce. Woke up still sore.

Can't get comfortable. Always changing positions, whether it's visiting with friends, relaxing in front of the TV or trying to fall asleep.

Getting up from any non-standing position is a bugger.

Bending over is nearly impossible, and squatting isn't much better.

My allergies and asthma are terrible right now. Half an asthma treatment in the AM, half at night, and a puff of my inhaler at least once a day. Stuffy nose, sore throat, coughing.

Coughing hurts my back. And sometimes I pee a little. (sorry, but it's true)

Still tired. Always.

Really wish that the so-called nesting phase would hit me!!!

It seems to have hit Royce. He wants a baby room. NOW.

Baby is moving a lot. LOVE THAT.

Love the little wiggles! Love knowing that my little guy is active and well.

Love knowing that all-too-soon he will be squirming in my arms.

My belly is looking funny. My belly button is almost flush to the rest. Royce is so sure it's going to pop soon.

I hope not.

And, did I mention...

Falling more in love with my life everyday!

Think I just realized...

this kid's gotta come out!! Had lots of dreams about labor and delivery last night. Don't remember specifics, except that for some reason I was sure that baby Hudson's birthday was going to be June 9. Even though he isn't due until September, I was positive that it had to happen June 9. In my dream, I was just waiting for labor to start. Waiting for the contractions. Waiting for the pain. It never came. So I was pretty certain that meant that Hudson would never come. He was stuck. Just plain stuck. Weird.

I've been thinking about contractions. What do they feel like? How do I know when it's happening? Will I be calm or panic? What about Royce? Will we remember everything we need? Can he drive under that kind of pressure? I've been thinking about the epidural. I know I want it, I just don't want to see it. I hope that between me and the doctors, we know exactly when is the right time to do it. I don't want labor to stall and then when the glory moment comes have all feeling return! But I don't want to sit and wait too long either. I just don't know. How could I?! I know (hope) that the pain will dissolve as soon as I see my precious baby boy, hold his tender little body, kiss his soft head, hear his energetic cries, but that moment could realistically take hours, days almost. I have honestly never pulled an all-nighter. What if I can't do it?! Pushing and laboring for 20-something hours?! I don't know that I have the capability to do that! Then there's all the embarrassing things that you have no control over. I'm sure at the time, you don't even care, but for now, I fret. What if I go potty? What about all the bleeding? I can't even shave now, I can't imagine my mess come September! What stupid things am I going to be hollering? Will I be a total bitch to Royce? It's a lot to think about! Then, what if I don't even get a chance to do it vaginally? A C-section?!? I cannot imagine!! I've heard they keep you awake while they cut you open! I think I'd pass out. Then there's the hospital. I haven't been admitted to a hospital since I was a child! Do I have to stay alone?! Royce hates hospitals. (Really, who likes hospitals?) What if he can't tough it out and stay with me? I'm afraid to be alone in a strange bed. I don't even like sleeping alone in my own bed. And what if my baby isn't absolutely perfect? What if he has to stay in the hospital for an extended time?! A new mommy going home empty-handed? That's heart-wrenching. And the after-birth stuff. The bleeding, the tearing. The no-sex. The leaking boobs. Unless they don't produce enough. The absence of my tight bump, replaced by a loose pouch. The permanence of change in my body. Can I ever actually be myself again?

It's a lot to think about. Too much. But now that I've at least got them out, I'm gonna walk away from them and worry about it all later. Not much I can do about any of it right now anyways.

Exhaustion- Double time!!

Warning- long, with pregnant feelings, fears and worries... no pictures.

I had a wonderful weekend! On Friday, I took a nap at work, then went to a car show, which I left early so I could rest. On Saturday, I went garage saling (bought some cute baby onesies!) then came home and took a nap. A long nap. On Sunday, I woke up early, went to a car show, had a great time, then went home and took a nap. Another long nap. Noticing a pattern? I am EXHAUSTED. Even more tired than I ever was with my internship. I thought I'd have this burst of energy once I was done with my intern hours, once it was summertime. But I have hit a wall. We sit down to watch TV and relax and my eyes just will not stay open. At work, I have to get up several times (besides the potty breaks...) just to wake myself up. I suppose I'm not sleeping as well at night, considering my like-clockwork midnight, 1:30 and 4:30 potty breaks, and tossing and turning this cute belly around, but I still feel like I am just OFF.

Hoping to hit my Nesting stage soon and get over this Resting hump! I still have sooooo much to do! Baby Hudson has just over 3 months before his debut, and I have done nothing. I have the rocking chair and crib... but they are not "put together" or painted like I want. The room itself is a disaster area of my laundry, personal items and teaching supplies. I have sooo much cleaning/organizing/throwing away to do it is ridiculous. But I can't start if I have to keep stopping to rest- it will never get done! The box of onesies I bought at the yard sale this weekend is the only baby thing I've bought since finding out I was pregnant!! I feel so behind! I need dressers and a changing table. I want to paint the stacker boxes I already have in the room. I should be stocking up on something. Don't know what, really. Diapers? What if they literally rub him the wrong way, or I don't like them? Binkies? What if he's not a sucker? Socks? That seems to make sense, considering mine and daddy's habit of losing socks... but do socks really stay on those teeny little feet?? Burp rags? Probably. But I have an idea that a lot of my friends and family will be making these and gifting them at my showers. That seems to be my excuse for everything- someone else will get them for me. That is so terrible!! I do not expect people to do this for me, but fact is, someone will. I have at least 3 showers coming up and I don't want to buy things that someone else might buy for me. So all weekend, I passed up used playmats and strollers at yard sales. Afterwards, a part of me always regrets it. But I don't want to spend what little money I have anyways buying things that I don't need, or won't need double of. Plus, as of right now, I have absolutely no where to put it! Back to my messy nursery-to-be room. Just gotta get to it.

I do have to say though, that Royce has been amazing through it all. He seems to understand how tired I am. When I had to leave the car show early, he usually would have thrown a bit of a fit or made me feel badly about it, but he was 100% fine with it, and even hurried home afterwards, instead of staying to visit with friends, to check on me. All weekend, he was supportive of my napping. On Sunday, I woke up just in time for him to serve me dinner. A couple weekends ago, when I wasn't feeling well and all I wanted to do was rest and be near him, he let me rest my head on his lap while he tickled my back. Poor fella isn't getting near the "loving" he deserves, and not because neither of us are feeling it, but because I'm tired, or we're a little weirded out about it and apprehensive. But he cuddles with me more than ever before, and makes me feel beautiful and loved. He is always saying "I'm so excited!" or asking me "How's my baby?" or saying "I love you... know why?... 'cuz you're having my baby!" Pregnancy compliments us. I hope parenthood is as good. I've noticed that some couples crumble after baby comes. Right now, two in my office are currently experience seperation/divorce after the birth of their first baby. I know Royce and I are stronger than that, I just hope that we don't forget about one another. We just have to be proactive, I guess, scheduling dates and one-on-one time. Luckily, I think I will have plenty of willing baby-sitters!

If you've read this far, props to ya. I didn't really write this for anyone else, just a little diary for myself and baby Hudson to look back on one day. As confident as I seem about this pregnancy and mommy thing, I still have my worries and fears. But that doesn't mean that I don't love every minute of it!

Baby Hudson- in 3D! 23 weeks = 6 months!!!

My sweet son, handsome Hudson, is perfect. Look at his perfect nose, his beautiful mouth, his wiggly hands. Yesterday was our targeted anatamy scan, where the ultrasound technician visits with us (for a whole 10 minutes!!) and measures body parts. His little leg, tummy, head and heart are all measuring as they should. He was wiggly. His little hands are always going! Better than his feet, I say. Just wish I could feel each of those little wiggles. Still just feeling occassionally. Can't wait til Daddy can feel it too! It is amazing to think that in just a few months (I just entered my sixth month!!!) I will get to hold and snuggle my baby boy!! Still loving every minute of this experience. My back gets sore after so much walking, my asthma is getting worse, and I pee 4 times a night, but I love it. I love clutching my belly. I love that Royce tickles my bump, and talks to his little boy. Every time I wake up to pee, I think to myself, and often say aloud, "I love you, Hudson ____ Beck!" In the car, I sing to him. I know... poor kid!! I usually find the Beatles' Golden Slumbers. I am constantly talking to him when I am alone. Now I just wish I could find the time and energy to start making his adorable nursery! Soon enough. For now, I will just keep loving every single thing about this pregnancy and this baby!!

I'm still here!!

Just totally overwhelmed with school and life. I'm loving it, but ready for a break! I wrap up my internship in 4 days, then I'm off to Lake Powell for our annual family vacation. So excited!!

As for baby Hudson, we are doing awesome. He is growing beautifully, "perfect" as my doctor says. I am feeling great. I love being pregnant! My back and legs get sore, my belly itches and (TMI....) my poor nipples are chapped and huge, but I love it. I'm starting to waddle a little, it just helps balance the weight on my legs and back. As of my last doctor appointment, May 4, I had gained a total of 10 pounds, which I don't feel too bad about. I am not swelling or bloated anywhere. I feel small movements, but nothing too regular yet. I love touching my belly, love talking to my son. Royce loves to cuddle and tickle my tummy too, which just makes me love him more. I'll ask him random questions about being parents and I just love the little conversations we'll have. I asked him the other day "What do you want Hudson to call you? Dad, daddy, pop, pa?" and he looked at me and started blowing little spit bubbles until he was laughing and said "He's a baby, he's not gonna be able to call me much more than that for awhile!" Such a nerd. It was pretty funny though. For Mother's Day, Royce got me a couple of childrens books. (Thanks for the idea, Alex! ;) One was the famous Robert Munsch story Love You Forever, with the sweet lines of "“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.” I love it! He also got a cute little informative book, shaped like a car with moving wheels and everything, all about cars. So sweet. Maybe he will be reading to him after all!!

I have pictures galore to share, at some point. From car shows we've gone to, including Bakersfield, from graduation, from Mom's surprise party, from dinner with friends. I also need to write about my two emotional breakdowns... I've certainly not stopped living, just stopped blogging! But I will be back...

Week 16

Been awhile, but here it is:

Gained- 8 pound, gradually.

How I feel:

• Amazing. Beautiful. Some people complain about not feeling sexy, but I feel beautiful. Not sexy persay, but beautiful and womanly. Doesn't get more womanly than carrying a child!


• I love my bump. Every morning, I wake up and embrace my tummy. I touch it throughout the day, wanting to protect and love it. For several years now, I've been self-conscious of my soft tummy, but now I absolutely love it. When little Hudson comes, I will be happy to have my arms full of baby, but will definitely miss my belly.


• Phlegmy. I am so full of snot. I do not know how it is even possible! I'm miserable. Doc says its an ear infection and gave me Amoxicillin for 10 days. Hope it works!!!


• Excited. Thinking more and more about life with baby!!

Nursery!

Just bought what I think of as one of the highlights of my nursery... the porthole aquarium!

I have been eyeballing this thing for over a year, just waiting until the right moment to purchase. And I finally did it! I found it online for $40 less than I've ever seen it. And now we know it's a boy. And now I'm ready to buy. And... my birthday is in 4 weeks. So it's ok if I do buy. So I did. Now I just need to wait til I finish my internship (6 weeks!) so I can start my baby room! :)

I imagine him with red hair. Always have. I know it's a recessive gene, and my mousey brown hair is more dominant, but I just want a red-headed baby boy so badly! Not even flame red, strawberry-blond would be perfect. And freckles. On his cheeks and shoulders. Poor kid will probably have daddy's complexion, albino-white except where it's red. He'll definitely be ALL boy, jumping in the mud puddles, rocks & bugs in his pockets, climbing on everything. He'll have his fair share of bumps and bruises, but he'll be tough, tolerant of pain like daddy. He'll have eyes like mine, not green, but not quite hazel either. He'll wear a lot of green to play them up. He will have the best smile, and he'll always wear it. He'll have a lot to smile about, lucky, loved little boy! I think he'll be a chub. I hope he'll be a chub! Babies should have squeezable little bodies. He'll always be short. Sorry, kiddo. I wonder if he will be outgoing like daddy, or shy like mommy was? (Yes, I really was, once upon a time...) I wonder what his favorite color will be. Daddy and I will nudge him towards red. I wonder if he'll like bugs or dinosaurs better? I wonder if he'll want to play baseball, soccer or basketball. We hope it isn't soccer! I hope he'll love fishing with Grandpa Perkins, hunting with Grandpa Beck, and building things with daddy. I hope he goes on all the scary rides with daddy, teasing mommy about being a chicken. But I hope he uses my caution when it's needed. I am so excited to see what his creative little brain will do! I wonder if he'll like school? Can I teach him to love reading? And how early will he be a better speller than daddy?! Can he bring home 100% tests like mommy did? Will we pay him for his grades? What kind of chores will he do, and what is the going rate for allowance?! What about baby-sitters?! I've got people begging already to babysit, but what about when he starts moving? Kids gonna move like crazy, just like daddy! And just 'cuz they're friends or family doesn't mean I shouldn't pay them... How hard is it gonna be to go back to work? I know my little man will be in the best hands with Grandma Perkins, but will I be capable of leaving? I've always thought so, but now I wonder. Will I be ok with her teaching him all those important things, seeing all his firsts? It scares me. She will be doing exactly what I would be doing with him (because I learned from the best!) but I worry that I'll be jealous that it isn't me. Will he love her more than me, because he seems to be with her more than me? All questions, thoughts that I've been thinking. 'Cuz I love this kid. I love my Hudson. I worry, then I get excited, then I worry more. And something makes me think it never goes away...

It's a Boy!!!

and we are so excited!!! Daddy can't wait to play legos and nerf and teach him to hunt and build cars! Mommy can't wait to snuggle her sweet little stud and watch him flirt!

Just kinda cute...

I was laying on the couch last night, absent-mindedly cradling my naked belly and Royce says "You playin' with my baby?" and cuddled up with me, kissing and tickling the tummy. Loved it. Felt like a whole little family. :) ************March 31 update*******************- Even better? Last night, when we were sleeping, he draped his arm around me, and rested his hand softly on my belly. I remember feeling it, along with, though it was probably my dreaming mind, a slight response from inside my body. A flutter of some sort. Can't say that it was baby, but I can let my dreamy brain believe it. :)

Week 14 Ultrasound

Lots of wiggles!

Heartache

I've been sick all weekend with a sore throat and runny/stuffy nose. I spent the whole weekend on the couch while my sweet hubby did the grocery shopping and took care of me. After a good night's sleep last night (on the couch), I woke up feeling much better. Phlegmy, but better. I could cough without feeling like a lung was coming up, and my nose wasn't as bad. I was thinking that I'd be okay to go to work. That was, until I went to the restroom. I was bleeding. Not terrible, but definitely bleeding. Scariest thing ever. I looked up the doctor's number and they wouldn't be open until 9am. It was 6:30. I waited until 7 to wake Royce up to tell him. Until that moment, I was too shocked to cry. But once Royce was there with me, I just sobbed. I was so afraid of losing our baby. He kept telling me, "It's going to be ok. I promise. I promise." and rubbed my back. I could tell he was afraid too, but he did a much better job at hiding it to help assure me. A little after 7, I called my doctors emergency number and got ahold of her. She told me that because there was so little blood, and no cramping at all, I was probably just fine. But she also told me to call the office when it was open. I waited until 8:59, and then I called. I got an appointment with another doctor at 9:20. I was at home, 20 minutes away, but dammit, I was going to be there. And I was. Slightly late, 9:22, but I was there, along with Royce who met me there. Doctor Alejo didn't see us until about 10:00, but he showed me my sweet baby, who was bouncing around like crazy, and let me hear the strong wsh-wsh-wsh of the heartbeat and assured me that everything was ok. He advised against intercourse right now and told me to take it easy, but otherwise, Bugatti and I are fine and healthy. Doctor A even gave us an early guess of the sex! I didn't do anything about my appointment on Friday, so I guess I will just go in as scheduled to see my normal doctor and be reassured once more.

Scary day, but things are looking good, and I just love this kid more and more each day. And I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful friend and partner to help me through these harder days.