Teething

My poor little guy is teething. He is miserable, which makes mommy miserable. It isn't the lack of sleep, it isn't the constant walking and rocking and aching of my feet, it isn't the achey back from always holding him or lugging him around in my pouch, it's the sound of my baby in pain. It hurts my heart to have my always-smiley-guy grunting and groaning and sometimes outright screaming in pain. He tugs at his ears, and chops down on my fingers, we give him ibuprofen, teething tablets and orajel but everything is just a quick fix. What he really wants is mommy. To just be held and loved and rocked, which I am happy to do, even if it does mean less sleep, achey feet and an achey back. Just wish I could do more.

Our new best friend, the Snugli pouch.

A Year in the Making

A year ago today, with the assistance of some great people at the Sandy Reproductive Care Center, Royce and I made that sweet baby boy of ours! I have to say, he is definitely the best project I've ever been a part of, and he is better than I ever imagined. Practically perfect in every way. So good, in fact, Royce and I worry that we may not have any more good genes in us! Anyways, it has been the most amazing year and I am very excited to see what the next one brings us!!

More Santa!

BurgerStop December 10

BurgerStop December 17

Santa!

Hudson's first Santa experience, at the Davis Conference Center for Safe Harbor's Evergreen charity, November 14, 2011

Christmas @ Work

My "Hudson" trees behind my desk at work.

Mommy-and-Me

I am one of those moms. Those clique mommy-and-me moms. Hopefully not so clique though...

My friend Tami had a baby boy, Jett, a few weeks after me (due before me, of course), and we have gone on a couple of walks together just to get the boys out. Plus, it's nice to talk things out with someone who is going through the same things... "is he doing this? he does this... what do you think about this?" Now, we've decided to make it a regular thing. Every Sunday morning at 11am, we are inviting a group of mommies and 2011 (the year, not an amount) babies to come out and walk with us at the Newgate Mall. We are also going to have a monthly activity that changes as the hostess changes. I am excited to watch these babies grow up and interact with each other!!

Hudson and Jett rocking out at the first Newgate Mall walk. I saw that Jett had a Rolling Stones shirt, so Hudson wore his Beatles one. Too cute! Poor Hudson was exhausted in this pic though, just finished a bottle and been awake for the whole hour we walked.

Gobble, gobble!

My cute boy with his new turkey toy. The sound it makes, and the tickling of it's furry head makes him giggle. :)

Christmas Book Tradition

I have already started buying Hudson's first Christmas gifts. I decided some time ago that I wanted to start a new tradition with him. Every year, I will buy 25 books, including a different version of "T'was the Night Before Christmas." I will wrap them each individually, with "Night Before" done in special wrapping paper. When December 1st comes around, he will open one book, which we will read before bedtime. He will do this each night, with Christmas eve having "Night Before." This will not only be a fun, month-long built up to Christmas, but it will also help me build up his library. I want my kid(s) to love reading like I did. I think this is a fun way to start that.

I originally planned to just get a bunch of my favorite books, but then I went to Target one day and in their dollar bins, they had a bunch of Sesame Street books. I'm not necessarily a huge SS fan, but for a buck, I'm in. Especially since one of my favorite books is Sesame Street- The Monster at the end of this Book, starring Lovable, Furry old Grover. This book, of course, was not in the dollar bins. So I had to order it, along with the second book, Another Monster at the end of this Book. And another Grover story about hide and seek. And a Grover puppet. :) For "Night Before", I ordered a version with Elmo. I now have (almost) all 25 books. I am quite happy with my theme and cannot wait to read the Grover stories, with my puppet of course, to my own little monster!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-sXpJ5Ymf8

What to do, what to do...

Sitting here at work these last two days, I realize how little I actually have to do. I guess before I used this time to do homework. And blog. Since I am out of homework, I guess I will default to Blogging. I started a journal for Hudson (Baby Beck, Bugatti...) when we first decided to start trying. Then, I started putting entries from that journal onto a blog. Then, I got sidetracked with internships, life, pregnancy and baby. Now, I'm going to finish what I started. Except that there will be no "finishing", merely catching up, because I hope and plan to never stop writing to my sweet sweet boy. I will continue the handwritten journal, because it's always fun to look back and see someone's handwriting. In this journal, my handwriting went from very tidy and precise (when trying) to sloppy scratch (when frustrated from trying and when hurrying to get back to playing with my little guy). It's kind of personal. And has some TMI from our attempts. But I think it will be something neat for him to have when he is older. I am going to put it in web-form so that it is always there, should anything happen to the original handwritten copy.
So far, it's been fun and emotional to look back on what we went through to get where we are now. Have I mentioned how incredibly blessed I am? How much I love my husband and handsome Hudson? How happy I am? Because I truly am. More so than I could ever imagine.

Back to work

Today is my second day back at work. Yesterday was pretty good. I was kind of excited to see my coworkers and communicate with grownups. On my desk were some balloons, treats and a card from my favorite coworkers, Jenni and Linda. It was nice to be welcomed back. The first two hours were tough 'cuz I didn't have computer access, so I did what I could around the office (sprayed everything with Lysol, loaded paper in printers/copiers, etc.) then sat idly at my computer. Then, when I did get computer access, I realized how little I actually have to do at my job, so I was bored once again. Luckily, my dad had been sending me funny emails throughout my leave, so I looked through them. Not exactly productive, but distracting, yes. I took two pumping breaks, each of which I called home to check on my fella. Feeling pretty good about that whole thing, as long as I can keep a good regular schedule and keep up my production, Hudson should be able to be breastfed throughout his first year. But pumping just isn't the same as nursing... Anyways, I did good all day until those last 5 minutes. I had my radio on and "Black Bird" started playing. I nearly lost it!! Luckily, it was actually a mash-up of Black Bird and Yesterday, so it didn't go all the way into the chorus and I was able to calm myself down, gather my stuff up and get the heck out!
At Grandma's house, Hudson was ready to go, all set in his car seat. He'd been out galavanting with grandma anyways and was fast asleep. But when I bent down and kissed his sweet forehead, he smiled! He knew his momma was home. :) My heart melted. I so worry about him forgetting about me in the hours I am away.
Then, we had to get ready for BurgerStop cruise night. We were dressing up in our Halloween costumes- Royce as Pop Eye, me as Olive Oyl and Hudson as Sweet Pea! Our costumes turned out awesome. :) (Picture to come later... thanks Alex!!)
The best part of the night though was having my baby back in my arms and being able to nurse him. It's amazing how relaxed and happy I feel when nursing my baby. I am so incredibly happy that I have not had any trouble with breastfeeding.

Peek-a-boo, can you believe it's month 2?!?

My baby boy is 2 months old!! How did that happen?!?!? He is growing so fast, and learning so much already! He is more alert for longer times, he focuses so hard he goes cross-eyed, he grabs onto things and tries to get them to his mouth sometimes, he holds his head and upper body strong, he kicks his legs like crazy and pushes against things, he is in size 0-3 month clothings, no more newborns and he still gets cuter every day!!! At his appointment, he weighed 10 lbs 7 oz and was 22 inches long. His head is 14'', and he is in the 50th percentile for growth.

I could write a lot more, but my time with my baby is running out. I return to work next Wednesday. I am excited to be with people again, but I am so not looking forward to being apart from him. Any time apart just hurts me. Royce and I went to Black Island Farms with the club and had a great time, but I missed my baby boy like crazy! I am excited for the days when he will be able to enjoy these outtings with us. I am lucky though that I have people I can trust to watch him and love on him while I am away, especially my mommy. He is gonna be so loved and spoiled while I am at work!! A little part of me, the irrational part, is so worried that he will love her more than me, or forget about me. I know better, but I do truly worry. I always want to be my baby's favorite...

September 24- DUE DATE!

Today is our due date, and my little man is 5 weeks, 1 day old. He is beautiful, amazing, wonderful, handsome, curious, smart and perfect. I LOVE being a mommy. There really are no words to describe my bliss. My heart is swollen with love, which is often overwhelming and brings me to tears. I read stories like the one below, and completely understand that love. Just a warning, this is a tearbreaker!!!



This is a true story of Mother’s Sacrifice during the China Earthquake.
After the Earthquake had subsided, when the rescuers reached the ruins of a young woman’s house, they saw her dead body through the cracks. But her pose was somehow strange that she knelt on her knees like a person was worshiping; her body was leaning forward, and her two hands were supporting by an object. The collapsed house had crashed her back and her head.

With so many difficulties, the leader of the rescuer team put his hand through a narrow gap on the wall to reach the woman’s body. He was hoping that this woman could be still alive. However, the cold and stiff body told him that she had passed away for sure.
He and the rest of the team left this house and were going to search the next collapsed building. For some reasons, the team leader was driven by a compelling force to go back to the ruin house of the dead woman. Again, he knelt down and used his had through the narrow cracks to search the little space under the dead body. Suddenly, he screamed with excitement,” A child! There is a child! “
The whole team worked together; carefully they removed the piles of ruined objects around the dead woman. There was a 3 months old little boy wrapped in a flowery blanket under his mother’s dead body. Obviously, the woman had made an ultimate sacrifice for saving her son. When her house was falling, she used her body to make a cover to protect her son. The little boy was still sleeping peacefully when the team leader picked him up.
The medical doctor came quickly to exam the little boy. After he opened the blanket, he saw a cell phone inside the blanket. There was a text message on the screen. It said,” If you can survive, you must remember that I love you.” This cell phone was passing around from one hand to another. Every body that read the message wept. ” If you can survive, you must remember that I love you.” Such is the mother’s love for her child!!

HAPPY 1 MONTH HUDSON!!!

My baby is one month old... and due on Saturday!

At one month old, Hudson is:

• growing so fast!! He now weighs 7 lbs 9 oz and is 20 inches long. His little cheeks are chunking right out, and his legs now have little rolls. LOVE IT! His doctor said he is growing right along his percentile path and doing great.






• very vocal, full of growls and grunts. They sound like potty noises, but are so much more than that. The doctor said that a lot of it is because we talk to him so much, he is testing out his communication skills. He also giggles. Just a quick, secret giggle when he is cuddled up to me, but it is the most beautiful sound and I cannot wait to hear it ring free. So far, he has only done it for me (several times) and once for grandma. Poor daddy still hasn't heard this sweet sound.






• strong! He pulls his little head up and looks around. He grips tightly to my fingers. His legs kick and push against me as I torture him by changing his diaper.






• alert. He has 1-hour stretches of time when he is wide awake and alert, watching lights, shadows and faces.






• eating LOTS. I love nursing him, but worry that he is choking on it because he gets so frantic, so I do a lot of bottles too. When nursing him, he does the cutest things. First, he gets frantic, shaking his head back and forth, with his mouth wide open and hands grasping wildly. I put him right at the breast, ready to go, but he doesn't clasp on right away and just looks silly with his fits. When he finally figures it out, he makes the sweetest satisfied eating noises, deep sighs and coos. Then he seems to forget what he is doing and doses off. Until he gets frantic again. When he is done, or needs a break, he unlatches and pushes away with his strong little arms, then he stretches out, grunts a satisfied "Oh yeah" grunt, all with milk dribbling down his chin. Cutest thing ever, and I'm (usually) the only one to see it!






• not a great nighttime sleeper, but not too terrible either. He does not like laying flat on his back, so it's hard to get him to sleep in his bassinet, meaning mommy isn't sleeping in bed. He has been spitting up more lately, and a sitting up position, snuggled in his vibrator chair, seems to be best for him. He will sometimes sleep for a little over three hours, but then he is often up for 2 hours afterwards. It is getting better though, and we are working more on the bassinet time.

• testing trust vs. mistrust. And he knows he can trust mommy and daddy. He knows and trusts that when he is hungry, he will be fed; that when he is uncomfortable, we will help him find comfort; that when he just wants to be snuggled, we are happy to oblige.






• precious. He really is just precious and perfect.

We had our one month checkup today and our sweet doctor told me I am doing great with him. Which I knew, but it was nice to hear it. I am not exactly surprised by how easily I have slipped into mommy mode or how natural it all is to me, but I am pleased with it. I feel completely capable and confident in being a mom. Plus, I love every minute of it, though it is extremely overwhelming emotionally. I seriously worry that my heart might just burst.

I cannot believe how much my world has changed in one month, 100% for the better. I always knew I wanted to be a mommy, but I couldn't have imagined how much I would love it, it is a joy beyond words. This little fella makes me feel like the most important person in the world. His smiles and giggles seem to be just for me. His daddy does the same thing, brighten my world, and to an even greater extent since baby's come along. We are so blissful. That's not to say that we aren't tired, exhausted, frustrated at times, just that none of it compares or even matters when we look at our sweet little boy. Everything else just melts away. This month has gone by sooooo quick. I dread to think of returning to work, at the very latest in November. I cannot picture myself apart from my son. I need him, he completes me.

At this moment, I am sitting with him curled up in my lap, fast asleep. He woke me up 2 hours ago. I was exhausted, did not want to drag my ass out of bed. I was frustrated with him, wishing he would just go to sleep. But as soon as I picked him up and felt his warm little body, my frustration melted away and love consumed me and I perked right up. I am blessed to have these late night parties with my son.

Earlier today, and whenever I have a free moment to think of it, my heart hurts for one of Royce's coworkers. Their little boy was due two days before Hudson, on September 22. They lost him on Sunday. I do not know the details, don't need to. All I know is that it could have been me. And that NO ONE deserves that pain. A pain that I don't even want to imagine. I have cuddled Hudson more today, told him repeatedly how much his momma loves him. I am nearly out of tears. Its all so unfair. I still have friends fighting infertility, and yet I see and hear about monsters hurting babies. These stories and indecencies have always upset me, but now they absolutely tear me to bits. I will NEVER hurt my baby. I will NEVER take him for granted. I will ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT, love him UNCONDITIONALLY.

Anyways, I wanted to do a quick update, but what I want to do more is go back to snuggling my son, and maybe get some rest...

21 days

I have been a mommy for 21 days and I cannot begin to tell you how my life has changed. I am so in love with my little boy and my new life. I cannot even imagine my life without him. I honestly don't know who I was or what I did before him. He is my life, my heart and soul. I would do absolutely anything to keep him safe and happy.

Soooo much is happening, yet so very little. I am absolutely loving being a mommy!!! My Hudson means the world to me and everyday I am overcome with happiness and amazement that he is truly here and that he is mine. Royce is such a wonderful husband and daddy. He fits the role perfectly. As unsexy as I feel right now, with my body being a baby-food making machine and my exhaustion level keeping me from doing much with my hair or makeup, he just makes me feel so beautiful and is as attracted to me today as he was when we were kids. Some quick highlights, so I can get back to loving my husband and son on this lazy Sunday:

• We have been home since Tuesday, August 30 and everything is wonderful.


• Little fella is eating great! He goes between breast and bottle depending on his exhaustion level and where we are at. I want to think that I am perfectly confident in my nursing and could do it in public, but have not yet done so.


• He is gaining weight! At his pediatrician's appointment on Friday, he weighed 6 lbs 2 oz!


• He is perfect. Even the pediatrician said so.


• He is sleeping fairly well at night, and nearly all day. I no longer wake him up to feed him, as he knows all too well when his belly is empty and is pretty good at communicating it.


• I am amazed at how quickly I have been able to identify his little noises! He is a grunter/growler and I feel like I know when he is hungry, when he is uncomfortable (due to diaper, etc.), when he is wanting to be loved and when he is simply testing out his noise maker.


• I love how much he loves me!!! He is 16 days old, but he knows exactly how to make me feel like the most important person in the world. When he is fussy, (like he was for pictures yesterday...) he calms down with the simplest touch from mommy. Melts my heart!!!


• He was circumcised on Friday, September 2. That was pretty much the worst day ever for mommy. :( The doctor came in, took him away for 15 minutes, and brought him back crying. Not screaming... crying. Tears, sobs. About a minute and a half after they took him, I started doubting my decision, wondering if I was simply disfiguring my child for cosmetic purposes. Then, I started doubting the doctor... what if he wasn't a doctor??? What if I just let some stranger dressed in scrubs run away with my baby?!?!? There was a moment when I nearly went to the front desk and asked them to describe the doctor to me. But I couldn't leave that room. I needed to be there when my baby arrived. In fact, I wanted to greet him as soon as I could, so I waited in the hallway, pacing, worrying. Then he was there and he was seriously sobbing. Seconds of silence, then the saddest wimpering sound you've ever heard, paired with the quavering of lips and teary eyes. Broke my heart! We sat in the room together for 10 minutes before the doctor could check back on healing and I just sat there and sobbed with my little man. Such a sad day. That night, he would lay out straighter than he ever did before, not scrunching his little legs up to his belly. But by that evening, he seemed perfectly fine. Today, he is doing awesome and I am happy about my decision.


• We have been out and about around town. Our first alone trip was tough, with momma being unable to see him, but he is a good chatter bug and growled at me from the backseat to let me know he was ok. We went to the doctors office to get my FMLA paperwork, then to my work to fax it, and then to Target for some basics. Our next trip was to the pediatricians, then to work again to fax all the paperwork. Yesterday, we went to our first car show. He did sooooo good!!!

Family Pics

Hudson Pics!

Birth Story

I keep meaning to write this specifically for the blog, but time gets away from me. So here is the version I gave my boss:


All was well Thursday night, went to my birthing class, came home, went to bed. Woke up at 2:45 on Friday morning to pee and on my way back to bed, (right after I crossed onto the carpet from the linoleum) I felt a gush of water down my legs. I honestly thought I'd peed myself... hoped that I'd peed myself. I grabbed a towel, cleaned up a little and thought about how I was gonna wake Royce up without freaking him out too much. Went into the bedroom, turned on the light and woke him up, telling him I had either lost control of my bladder or my water had broken. His response? "What do we do now?" with kind of a freaked out look on his face. I kept calm and told him to get dressed. He took his time dressing while I threw a bag together. The whole way to the hospital, we joked around thinking that I had simply lost control. We counted the street lights and commented about how easy traffic was at 3:00 in the morning, saying "When we do this for real..." Got to the hospital and they assessed me. In the triage room next to me, there was a gal who had obviously been there for hours, walking the hallways, trying to advance things. She was huffing and puffing and in obvious pain. I was thinking "That's gonna be me in a couple hours!!!" Then I hear them tell her she's still at a 2. Then I hear my nurse tell me I'm at a 4 and we're in it for the long haul. What?!? I also had a fever, so they worried about infection, so they started me on pitocin and checked me into a room. Mom came up and we 3 sat in the room chatting and laughing with the nurse, with me occassionally stopping to breath through the contractions. Both mine and Royce's dads were out of town. I was not in pain though, just pressure. Advanced to a 5+ in about 2 hours and decided to do the epidural at that point. Epi kicked in and I got giggly. Advanced quickly to a 7, then a 9. Stalled at a nine for a little while until I told the nurse I was feeling a pressure and she checked and it was time. Royce got geared up and we were wheeled to the Operating Room, so that we would be close to the resucitation area. I pushed probably 5-sets-of-3 times and he was here, at 9:07am, after just 6+ hours. He was taken right to resucitation and Royce followed. It was an hour before I could see him. He went to the 1st pod in NICU, where the sickest/newest babies go, but quickly moved to the final pod, where he has been since. He was breathing on his own after that first day, maintaining his temp by day 3 (?) and off the IVs and at a complete feeding level by day 4 (?) He's been under bililights for jaundice twice, which restricts my cuddle time to 30 minutes every 12 hours and is the hardest part. Now he is alternating between nursing, bottle feeding and gavage (tube) feeding, is off the lights and out of the intubator. Once he is eating 3 times via bottle or breast in a 12 hour period and gaining weight, he will come home. He is doing amazing, it's just tough to not have control of the situation. While he is in NICU, I am boarding at the hospital and Royce is already back at work, visiting every night. I pray that I have time with him at home before I have to return to work, that worries me as each day passes. I know I can take the full FMLA time, I just don't have the paid leave necessary and we kinda have to keep paying bills.

Baby pics!

We try to remember the camera every time we go to NICU, but sometimes we just rush out of here so quickly. I just realized we don't even have a family pic yet!! There are some pics of me holding him, then some of Royce holding him, on Royce's cell phone, so they are dark and not great, but we seriously need to get a family pic!!! That's the goal for tomorrow. Til then, enjoy...


first shot of baby Hudson! Sorry if you're squeamish!!! I was too, til I actually experienced it. It is AMAZING.

cute curly toes!

baby bum!

Reality is HERE. HUDSON IS HERE!!!

August 19, 2011.
9:07 am
5 lbs 11 oz
19 inches
PERFECT
BEAUTIFUL
MINE...