BLEH

This mama has been feelin' pretty down lately- Bored, lethargic, exhausted, hideous, **BLEH**

So, I'm doing something about it.

First, I got gussied up and played pretty pinup. And won 2nd place! Which would feel absolutely amazing, if I didn't know that I only placed because of my adorable accessory. It really had nothing to do with how I looked. Eh. I felt fat and jealous of all the pretty girls all night, which didn't really help my bleh attitude.

Now, for a more permanent change, I have started an exercise routine. I have a post-natal fitness trainer that I will meet with monthly to review progress of the weekly routines she writes up for me. I started the first plans this week. I have enjoyed doing them. I enjoy making that time for myself, even if it is just during my lunch hour. Here is my routine:

• Warm-up ( 2 min of marching in place, then hold arms out to the side and circle arms forward for 1 min, then backwards for 1 min)
• Standard Squat (8 reps) Do not let knees go over the toes. Feet at shoulder width. Use wall to help.
• 15 jumping jacks
• Modified push-ups (8 reps) On your knees, keep a straight line from knee to head.
• 15 jumping jacks
• Horizontal band row (8 reps with red band) Insert band into your door at chest height. Elbows st. back
• Hip drops (8 reps) keep your head and shoulders on the couch and just drop butt down and squeeze up
• 5 walkouts
• Overhead band press ( 8 reps with green band) Band under one foot. Push band from shoulders up
• 5 walkouts
• Lat pull-downs ( 8 reps with green band) in door above top hinge. Down on one knee. Palms down, elbows out and aim elbows for you sides
• Moving Planks (8 reps) on toes & elbows. Move butt into the air and then return to plank position
• 5 squat thrusts
• Bicep Curls (8 reps with red band) band under one or both feet and flex elbows
• 5 squat thrusts
• Tricep dips (8 reps) place hand on the couch behind you with knees bent. Lower butt using
• your arms and press back up
• Cool down and stretch.( See attached pictures and explanations and do each one time )
• Do this three days this week.ie, Mon/Wed/Fri. On in between days walk or cycle for 20-30 min

This week, I worked out Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On Wednesday and Friday, after the workout, I ran the stairs at work a few times as well. On Sunday and Thursday I took nice long walks with Hudson and enjoyed the warm weather. On Tuesday, I walked in place, holding Hudson, for 20 minutes while watching TV with Royce. Today, I am sore. Even more sore than I was yesterday. But I think it will be worth it

I still feel BLEH though. When I get ready for work in the morning, I fret over what to wear. None of it feels like me. Nothing fits ME. I think my next step is a slowly evolving wardrobe. I need pieces that make me feel professional, yet beautiful and flirty, but I need to do it slowly so as not to break the bank. Also, I am hoping that with my workouts, I will soon be able to buy a smaller size, so I don't want to buy too many at one time.

I think I just need a change. A change in jobs. A change in style. A change in me. I am so tempted to change my hair color again, but then I dread the upkeep. Maybe change the style? But then I dread not being able to pull it up into the dreaded-in-itself mommy ponytail that is truly a necessity both for the sake of time and energy as well as safety- my boy's got a heck of a grip!!

Eh. Bleh.

Bored, bored, bored!!

I am sooooooo bored lately. Which is silly, really. I have a lot going on, but none of it is challenging, I guess. Or interesting enough.

First, I decided to start another Masters Degree, this one in Education/Teacher Leadership. After the first 6-week course, I quit. I don't know that it was "too hard" persay, but maybe too similar to what I had already accomplished. It didn't challenge me in a new way.

My newest endeavor is working out. Yup! I am consulting with a personal trainer who is writing up weekly plans for me and will be checking in on my progress and helping hold me accountable. I am excited and nervous. I have a little (big!) goal in the very back of my mind that would be really neat to accomplish, but I want to wait and see if I see any results at all first. If things are looking good and I am feeling good, then I will sit down and write my short term and long term goals. Wish me luck!

Something I want to do, but don't know that I can find the time/space to do it is to make simple sewing projects. I have some simple toys I can make for Hudson, as well as some materials I want to make for my classroom. I think I may start collecting fabric as I see it on sale or as remnants and see if I can't force myself to just do it. Maybe...

I think a lot of my boredom stems from my job. I am so rehearsed in what I do that I am basically on autopilot all day. When I leave work, I often wonder, "Did I accomplish anything today??" and am disappointed to learn that I did what I needed to do but nothing more, and barely that. I spend my days on the computer reading articles, blogs and playing. I need a job that utilizes my skills. I need to be in a school. Preferably as a kindergarten teacher, but at this point I think I'd take any k-6 position or counseling job. I feel idle. I want ideal. I wanna be an idol, something I cannot do until I am working with kids.

The Mom Juggle

I am not as good at this juggling act as I had hoped. AutoRama was awesome, and Hudson LOVED being there, but it was also e*x*h*a*u*s*t*i*n*g. I felt like I was on my own to feed him, change him, entertain him. And then I felt like I failed half of those things. He ate sporadically for several reasons: because time just passes differently, because I dressed up pretty instead of practically, because he didn't realize he was hungry until I was unable to feed him right then, because facilities were different, etc. etc. I changed him several times throughout the day, but again, time just passed so differently than normal that I didn't feel like it was often enough. It's just different. Between trying to enjoy myself, and not wanting to spoil Royce's fun, everything really got out of hand and the inside of me was screaming for help, but I never dared to ask. I felt like a burden to my husband and my friends, or rather, I felt like my son was a burden on them, which wasn't fair to him, so I just kept it inside. I felt really left out of a lot of things, from the pinstriping auctions where everyone was bidding and playing, to lunch out with friends, shopping the booths, etc. Even the one thing I was really looking forward to and made time for for myself, the pinup contest, I had to miss out on partially as my fellow contestants made a second round on stage as I nursed Hudson backstage. But, I did get 2nd place, so it certainly wasn't all bad! I guess I have to choose which things to keep up in the air, and obviously, Hudson will always be #1. Just wish the other things didn't fall so hard and hurt so bad.

Today, I am happy. See, I told you I would be. I just needed a day to wallow in my sadness. Now, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness. I am reading news stories and bawling at my desk, a happy cry though, one of realization and gratitude. Seriously, I am so extremely blessed, as I mentioned yesterday. It's crazy how much of a 180 my attitude has taken today. My mood swings now may be worse than when I was pregnant! All I know for certain, just to be safe, I will NOT be ordering any roast beef sandwiches!!

Today I am sad. I had a rotten morning, but I won't get into that... There is something wrong with me. I have a beautiful life of perfection. My son is gorgeous. My husband is amazing. My family is wonderful. My home is mine. It is not clean, organized or as big as I might want, but it is mine. My cars are reliable, safe and practical. My job is secure and worthwhile.

But right this minute, I am not happy. I want MORE. That sounds so selfish, so insecure and unkind. But I am speaking truths. I want my family to stay just exactly the way it is, (most days. But I won't get into that...) But I want my home to bigger, cleaner, more organized. But I don't want to do it. Nor can I. I want my cars to be even better. I don't want to worry about oil changes, tire pressure, gas gauges and ABS systems. (But I won't get into that...) I want a job that is more than just a job. I want a job where I enjoy what I am doing, who I am doing it for and who I am doing it with. I need that. I crave that.

Today, I am sad. I am throwing a wee pity party, anyone care to join me? But only today. Tomorrow, or maybe even later today, I will be happy again. I will remember who I am, what I do, what I have and why I should be happy, and I will be.

We are all entitled to a "woah-is-me" day, and today is mine.

Still Smilin'!!

A year ago today, my pee stick smiled at me, indicating that my body was finally on track to make a baby. I can vividly recall the happiness and anticipation I felt that day. I had very little hope that it would actually work that first time, but I was positive anyways because at least my body was cooperating. It was that day that I finally realized that I was going to be able to do this, I was going to be able to get pregnant, to be a mom.

I LOVE being a mommy. I absolutely do. I would not trade it for the world.

But I might add some of the old things I used to love to it. It seems like I am always so busy and focused on Hudson that I am missing out on things. Now to remind you, I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I am happy. Blissfully so.

But I'm sometimes lonely. I have Royce and our beautiful baby. And family. And my new mommy friends. And a lot of old friends that I know I still have, even if I don't see them or feel as comfortable with them as I always did before. Things are different now. I have so much on mind that I am not as carefree as I once was. I am not as fun. :( I miss that me. And I know Royce does too. But I honestly do not know how to get her back. I have such a huge responsibility of keeping this little person alive and happy. I miss my friends. I miss going out at spur of the moment. I miss staying out late. I miss social drinking. I miss my laughter. I miss my brother.

My brother and I were always so close. Best friends. We could talk about anything. But not anymore. We've grown up and apart. It breaks my heart. I don't know what to do to fix this gap. Whenever we talk, there is this tension. I cannot name it. It isn't something that happened suddenly, it's been coming for awhile. It started with him talking to other people first about his personal life, where I used to be his #1 go-to gal. And now I know he is stressed with work and life. As am I. I know he doesn't understand my new life as a mom. I don't expect him to. But it doesn't even seem like we're trying anymore. I don't know how to talk to him, so I just don't. He doesn't know how to talk to me, or play with his nephew, so he doesn't. I am afraid I am losing him. He wants to leave the state to work and live and I am so afraid that I will lose him for good. I am crushed. I know he loves me and cares about me, but that just isn't the same as friendship. He was so good to help us out when I unexpectedly went in to labor 5 weeks early. He still calls to tell me when he talked to a girl... but I somehow know that I wasn't the first on his list. A small glimmer of hope went through me the other day when I realized that his passwords often contain my name... at least he still thinks about me. I miss his laughter, which seems to have faded away some anyways. I miss his silliness, which I think has taken a back seat for real life, at least around me. I miss my AJ.

MIL MIA

I don't know why, but I am feeling extra bitter towards my mother-in-law today. Nothing new has happened. Our last non-interaction with her was over the summer, right after Hudson was born, when she deliberately ignored us at her other grandson's football game. It's great that she attends these things for her "favorite" grandson. She has had very little to do with Hudson. She came to the hospital once... after being "invited" by Royce. And then it was a very awkward meeting of just her and I, in which she made everything seem like we were the bad guys "I heard, I wasn't told"... Ummm... in any of the 9 months I was pregnant, or in the year and a half before that when we were agonizingly trying, did you ever ask??? Did you ever f***ing care???! Then, the only other time she has seen him was at one of the aforementioned football games. Where Royce and I were entirely responsible for approaching her (and her other jackass son who called to bitch at us on Hudson's birthday, attempting to make the day about his mom rather than our newly born son and our newly acquired family) and acting as if everything was fine and dandy. The next two football games, we left it up to her to approach us... thus, nothing happened. I am seriously DONE with her. I say this every time, but I mean it. We will no longer try. We completely ignored her birthday (even though her daughter dared ask us to pitch in on an expensive gift, HA!!) and I will not be stopping by to see her on Christmas. Or probably ever again. I do feel slightly sorry for Hudson, not having a chance to get to know his "grandma," but he will for sure not be missing out on anything. He has grandmas galore, thanks to the car club and our great friends, and my mom is enough grandma to cover him for a lifetime. I am hurt. I hurt for Royce. I hurt for Hudson. I do not hurt for her. She has made no attempt to be a mother or grandmother for several years. I have learned a lot from her about how not to be a mom. Things that I could have gone without learning first-hand, honestly, and still known better. I just had to get that out...

Still hard to believe

It's still hard to believe that I'm a mommy. That this beautiful baby boy is mine. FOREVER. I am responsible for his whole life. I have to keep him safe. I have to protect him. I have to provide for him. Of course, and luckily, I am far from alone in this effort. But it is still so surreal. I wake up to his crying and am amazed that there is a bassinet in my room, with a teeny little life inside it. Before I go to work, it seems unreal to me that I have to drop my kid off at the babysitter's. I don't know that it's even possible, but on my way home from work, I worry that I might forget to pick him up. It's crazy to realize that when I go somewhere, anywhere, I now have to pack up all this baby stuff, and either take him with me or arrange for a sitter.

Then, it's still hard to believe that I've actually already been through that whole labor and delivery mess. Wow. That really happened. I still have this irrational worry that my water might break. Which, by the way, is seriously the weirdest feeling ever.

It's bizarre to me that I was in the hospital with my baby in NICU for eleven long days. They don't seem so long now. But they do seem so long ago. And yet unreal. As I look through pictures from those days, I remember how much I cried. How hopeless I felt. How much my heart grew overnight. I ache as I remember this. But I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude as well. Just years ago, my baby may not have survived, coming 5 weeks early. Now, not only has he survived, but he is thriving and more perfect than anyone could imagine. But it still all seems so unreal. And yet all too real. Those feelings will never go away. I will never forget my love quadrupling and my heartfelt hopelessness.

It's wild to think that a baby is no longer growing inside of me. I miss that sensation. I still absently cradle my stomach, wishing to feel a kick. How can this period of my life be over? Unbelievable. That's not to say that I won't have that experience again, just that it will never be my first again.

It's almost agonizing to reminisce about my fertility struggle. Oh, how long ago it seems. How long ago it seems that we first started trying. And yet, I am in awe that it is actually over, that we actually made it through it. And it doesn't seem so long ago at all, really. Thinking back over it, the feelings and worries come right to the surface, they will never really be gone.

It's still so hard to believe that I can be this blessed. I am eternally grateful for my mommyhood.

September 24- DUE DATE!

Today is our due date, and my little man is 5 weeks, 1 day old. He is beautiful, amazing, wonderful, handsome, curious, smart and perfect. I LOVE being a mommy. There really are no words to describe my bliss. My heart is swollen with love, which is often overwhelming and brings me to tears. I read stories like the one below, and completely understand that love. Just a warning, this is a tearbreaker!!!



This is a true story of Mother’s Sacrifice during the China Earthquake.
After the Earthquake had subsided, when the rescuers reached the ruins of a young woman’s house, they saw her dead body through the cracks. But her pose was somehow strange that she knelt on her knees like a person was worshiping; her body was leaning forward, and her two hands were supporting by an object. The collapsed house had crashed her back and her head.

With so many difficulties, the leader of the rescuer team put his hand through a narrow gap on the wall to reach the woman’s body. He was hoping that this woman could be still alive. However, the cold and stiff body told him that she had passed away for sure.
He and the rest of the team left this house and were going to search the next collapsed building. For some reasons, the team leader was driven by a compelling force to go back to the ruin house of the dead woman. Again, he knelt down and used his had through the narrow cracks to search the little space under the dead body. Suddenly, he screamed with excitement,” A child! There is a child! “
The whole team worked together; carefully they removed the piles of ruined objects around the dead woman. There was a 3 months old little boy wrapped in a flowery blanket under his mother’s dead body. Obviously, the woman had made an ultimate sacrifice for saving her son. When her house was falling, she used her body to make a cover to protect her son. The little boy was still sleeping peacefully when the team leader picked him up.
The medical doctor came quickly to exam the little boy. After he opened the blanket, he saw a cell phone inside the blanket. There was a text message on the screen. It said,” If you can survive, you must remember that I love you.” This cell phone was passing around from one hand to another. Every body that read the message wept. ” If you can survive, you must remember that I love you.” Such is the mother’s love for her child!!

HAPPY 1 MONTH HUDSON!!!

My baby is one month old... and due on Saturday!

At one month old, Hudson is:

• growing so fast!! He now weighs 7 lbs 9 oz and is 20 inches long. His little cheeks are chunking right out, and his legs now have little rolls. LOVE IT! His doctor said he is growing right along his percentile path and doing great.






• very vocal, full of growls and grunts. They sound like potty noises, but are so much more than that. The doctor said that a lot of it is because we talk to him so much, he is testing out his communication skills. He also giggles. Just a quick, secret giggle when he is cuddled up to me, but it is the most beautiful sound and I cannot wait to hear it ring free. So far, he has only done it for me (several times) and once for grandma. Poor daddy still hasn't heard this sweet sound.






• strong! He pulls his little head up and looks around. He grips tightly to my fingers. His legs kick and push against me as I torture him by changing his diaper.






• alert. He has 1-hour stretches of time when he is wide awake and alert, watching lights, shadows and faces.






• eating LOTS. I love nursing him, but worry that he is choking on it because he gets so frantic, so I do a lot of bottles too. When nursing him, he does the cutest things. First, he gets frantic, shaking his head back and forth, with his mouth wide open and hands grasping wildly. I put him right at the breast, ready to go, but he doesn't clasp on right away and just looks silly with his fits. When he finally figures it out, he makes the sweetest satisfied eating noises, deep sighs and coos. Then he seems to forget what he is doing and doses off. Until he gets frantic again. When he is done, or needs a break, he unlatches and pushes away with his strong little arms, then he stretches out, grunts a satisfied "Oh yeah" grunt, all with milk dribbling down his chin. Cutest thing ever, and I'm (usually) the only one to see it!






• not a great nighttime sleeper, but not too terrible either. He does not like laying flat on his back, so it's hard to get him to sleep in his bassinet, meaning mommy isn't sleeping in bed. He has been spitting up more lately, and a sitting up position, snuggled in his vibrator chair, seems to be best for him. He will sometimes sleep for a little over three hours, but then he is often up for 2 hours afterwards. It is getting better though, and we are working more on the bassinet time.

• testing trust vs. mistrust. And he knows he can trust mommy and daddy. He knows and trusts that when he is hungry, he will be fed; that when he is uncomfortable, we will help him find comfort; that when he just wants to be snuggled, we are happy to oblige.






• precious. He really is just precious and perfect.

We had our one month checkup today and our sweet doctor told me I am doing great with him. Which I knew, but it was nice to hear it. I am not exactly surprised by how easily I have slipped into mommy mode or how natural it all is to me, but I am pleased with it. I feel completely capable and confident in being a mom. Plus, I love every minute of it, though it is extremely overwhelming emotionally. I seriously worry that my heart might just burst.

I cannot believe how much my world has changed in one month, 100% for the better. I always knew I wanted to be a mommy, but I couldn't have imagined how much I would love it, it is a joy beyond words. This little fella makes me feel like the most important person in the world. His smiles and giggles seem to be just for me. His daddy does the same thing, brighten my world, and to an even greater extent since baby's come along. We are so blissful. That's not to say that we aren't tired, exhausted, frustrated at times, just that none of it compares or even matters when we look at our sweet little boy. Everything else just melts away. This month has gone by sooooo quick. I dread to think of returning to work, at the very latest in November. I cannot picture myself apart from my son. I need him, he completes me.

At this moment, I am sitting with him curled up in my lap, fast asleep. He woke me up 2 hours ago. I was exhausted, did not want to drag my ass out of bed. I was frustrated with him, wishing he would just go to sleep. But as soon as I picked him up and felt his warm little body, my frustration melted away and love consumed me and I perked right up. I am blessed to have these late night parties with my son.

Earlier today, and whenever I have a free moment to think of it, my heart hurts for one of Royce's coworkers. Their little boy was due two days before Hudson, on September 22. They lost him on Sunday. I do not know the details, don't need to. All I know is that it could have been me. And that NO ONE deserves that pain. A pain that I don't even want to imagine. I have cuddled Hudson more today, told him repeatedly how much his momma loves him. I am nearly out of tears. Its all so unfair. I still have friends fighting infertility, and yet I see and hear about monsters hurting babies. These stories and indecencies have always upset me, but now they absolutely tear me to bits. I will NEVER hurt my baby. I will NEVER take him for granted. I will ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT, love him UNCONDITIONALLY.

Anyways, I wanted to do a quick update, but what I want to do more is go back to snuggling my son, and maybe get some rest...

Little Moments

Royce and I had a huge fight last night. In fact, we're still kind of fighting. But we'll be over it this afternoon. We just need time. We've said our sorrys, defended our positions and had a good discussion about it, now we just need time.

It was just another one of those little moments. They are happening more and more right now, as we realize how quickly the biggest little moment of our life is coming. We both have so many emotions and feelings going through us right now, that it makes sense that we'd be on each others nerves, but it's also harder because we need each other so much right now. Luckily, we love each other throughout every little moment. He had just told me that he'd be fine this afternoon, just needed time, when this song came on the radio:

Brad Paisley- Little Moments

Well I'll never forget the first time that I heard

That pretty mouth say that dirty word

And I can't even remember now what she backed my truck into

But she covered her mouth and her face got red

And she just looked so darn cute

That I couldn't even act like I was mad

Yeah I live for little moments like that

Well that's just like last year on my birthday

She lost all track of time and burnt the cake

And every smoke detector in the house was goin' off

And she was just about to cry until I took her in my arms

And I tried not to let her see me laugh

Yeah I live for little moments like that

I know she's not perfect but she tries so hard for me

And I thank god that she isn't 'cause how boring would that be

It's the little imperfections it's the sudden change in plans

When she misreads the directions and we're lost but holdin' hands

Yeah I live for little moments like that

When she's layin' on my shoulder on the sofa in the dark

And about the time she falls asleep so does my right arm

And I want so bad to move it 'cause it's tinglin' and it's numb

But she looks so much like and angel that I don't wanna wake her up

Yeah I live for little moments

When she steals my heart again and doesn't even know it

Yeah I live for little moments like that

I'm not usually a country fan, but my emotions are so high right now that I'm using country music as an out. I guess you could say it makes me cry and empty the wells so I'm not exploding on everyone around me. But I could really see how this song related to what we were going through. Some of what we were fighting about was him just joking around about stupid stuff and me overreacting. Some of it was me not thinking and that coming across as carelessness. Some of what we were fighting about was just plain little moments blowing up into huge ones. None of it really matters at all. And this afternoon, when we've both cooled off, we will love each other more than ever and we will be thankful for the little moments that bring us together.

Thirty-Four Weeks!

No pics, but believe me, there is a belly. And after last nights itch-fest, I am sure it's stretching more.

How I am feeling:

I feel 34 weeks pregnant. Which cannot be understood by those who haven't been here, honestly. And anyone who has, will have a different experience. So, it's a feeling all my own. And while some of it sounds like I am complaining, I most certainly am not. I am simply keeping a journal of everything I am experiencing. It's all a part of pregnancy and I truly do love it. And even when others can see and/or sense my discomfort and say something about how I must be ready to be done, that just isn't so. I am excited to meet my little man, but I am also perfectly content to wait it out and "suffer" (the word everyone seems to use, but not quite what I would use) through the symptoms, because it's part of the process. I "suffered" through years and years of schoolwork to get my degrees, and it's paid off even without ever being professionally utilized. I am happy to "suffer" through the heat, the discomfort, the swelling, the pain, if it means I can hold a perfectly healthy, handsome baby boy in 6 weeks.

Emotionally:

I am getting more and more excited to hold and love my little guy. I am getting more and more nervous about having him out here in this big scary world. I am getting more and more giddy to teach him all about this beautiful thing we call life. I am getting more and more scared about how much I am capable of teaching him and doing for him. I question my ability to take care of and entertain a baby. I worry about my ability to balance baby Hudson and my marriage to Royce. I worry about the dynamics of Tracy&Royce changing so dramatically. I know we can work through it, I just know that it will be work. Luckily, I have a great fella to do that with. Funny thing is, I don't worry about Royce's ability to take care of and entertain Hudson. I don't worry about Royce's ability to balance me and Hudson. I don't worry about Royce adjusting to the new routine of Royce&Tracy&Hudson. I do, however worry about our finances and Royce's ability to cope with that aspect. Poor guy works his ass off (like we all do, right?) and feels like he never gets anything. Except I have to remind him of all that we do have. All that we do do. He seems to think I'm never worried about finances, that I just spend casually on myself, etc. I don't know where he gets his ideas, but after a good talk, (or fight) we are able to understand each other better. Just hope it stays this way and doesn't increase too terribly.

Physically:

I'm still tired. I'm not sleeping well. I fall asleep on the couch as we watch TV, but when it's time to go to bed, my legs are restless, I toss and turn in bed. I've slept on the couch, for at least part of the night, for the last 3 nights. Last night, my belly started itching so badly at 4:00 that I wasn't sure I was going to get back to sleep. It felt like a hundred fire ants. In the last week, my belly has come to rest on my lap. Last week, there was a slight opening between them, this week, my belly rubs on my lap, so it's hot, itchy and heavy. It makes it very hard to sit in any one position. I am constantly moving and adjusting. In fact, today I brought in an exercise ball to sit on at work. I haven't necessarily hit "nesting" as I have no follow-through yet (I'm swearing it's due to time), but my head is swimming with ideas for my nursery and I am thinking of how the rest of my house will change as well. I'm getting very excited for these changes and hoping to get started Sunday. I don't have the best eating schedule, so when I get hungry, I am starving. But because my stomach is squished, I can't actually eat all that much. I need to get back to my several-small-meals schedule that I was on, but my heartburn kind of squelched that. I pee often, but not much, which is frustrating. As soon as I stand up, there is like a rush need to pee, but it's never quite worth the trip to the restroom. I'm hot. At the hospital last night, the classroom was kept quite cold and even Royce was saying it was chilly, but I felt just right for most of the night. I keep the thermostat down at 69 at work, when I would normally put it at 72 and chill my boss' office until he comes out nearly shivering. The night folk like my temperature changes, as they always keep it cooler too. Walking is hard. I feel pathetic because any amount of standing and/or walking exhausts me. My hips and back hurt, my feet swell. We walked all over the hospital for the tour last night and when I got home, my poor feet were so puffy.

Now, because I've honestly declared how much I am willing to just wait it out and "suffer", I am also going to be honest about the things I am excited for after baby is born, (besides the obvious loving of Hudson):

• 
  
  Time off work. I am exhausted and just ready to not be at a desk. I don't expect it will be paradise and vacation, but I do think it will be needed. Unfortunately, after my calculations, I will only have 5 1/2 weeks paid with my sick/vacation leave. Without wishing for any complications, I do wish that my doctor might approve Short Term Disability. Can't worry about any of that though.


• 
  
  Things I can do while I'm off work. Everyone says I'll barely have time to shower, but everyone needs to just shush. Maybe they didn't have time to shower. I'm a go-er, always going, so why can't I be going while I'm off, if I am healing well and baby is fine? I'm not saying leave the house, I'm saying keeping up on laundry, setting some kind of schedule for cleaning, maybe starting a good Wii workout. I don't think any of this is something I cannot do with a baby around. Babies sleep a lot. They just lay there the rest of the time. I can snuggle him and bond with him while accomplishing things too. It may be unrealistic, but I am not going to let other people's experiences mandate mine.


• 
  
  My curvy, not bumpy body. I am fully aware that it doesn't just shrink back to normal, but I am hoping that I can get some semblance of sex-appeal back by March. We were talking to a gal who sales pinup clothing and listening to Royce talk excitedly about me participating in the pinup contest at AutoRama, even offering to buy me an outfit that was on sale for $75 (sorry, I'm a cheapo!) made me realize how much he must miss hitting my boobs first when he goes in for a kiss, instead of my bump. I will miss my bump. I feel beautiful. But I want my husband to see me as sexy even more so. He's never made me feel any less than beautiful, I suppose, but now he caresses my belly rather than squeezes the boobs. Right now, I am a home for his baby. Which is beautiful. But I also sometimes want to "house" something else, if'n ya know what I mean...


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  Sleeping on my tummy! Or my back! Or at all, really!!


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  Looking for a teaching job! It's nice to have the option of coming back to UOP, but if everything goes well and I am not overwhelmed with mommyhood, I would absolutely love to find myself my Forever job, to go along with my new Forever life. I am so excited to be done with my classes, and thus not dependent on UOP for tuition costs. I have been ready to be a teacher for so long!

So, that is my explanation of what 34 weeks pregnant feels like. It's by no means an explanation of what 34 weeks pregnant should/does feel like for anyone else. This is something I am going to try to remember when my friends are pregnant. I hate when people tell me about their experience as if it is something we all go through. We are all supposed to be miserable about a summertime pregnancy. We are all supposed to be ready to pop the kid out a month in advance, just for our own comfort. Well, NOT ME.

Gratitude

I am overwhelmed by gratitude this morning. I am thinking about all my friends and family who are excited to welcome this baby boy. I am thinking about my amazing husband who I am so very privileged to have in my life. I am thinking about everything I am lucky to have in my life. I have so much love coming my way and as much as I try, I could never reciprocate it. I am blessed. I have a home, a job, an education and so many luxuries beyond the basic needs. The things are neat, but my happiness is about the people in my life. Royce is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I would be absolutely lost without him. As I see relationships crumbling, my heart aches for those people who do not have what I have. My family are my best friends. I confide in them, trust in them and depend on them. I have 5 amazing people planning baby showers for me and so many more who are attending these showers and/or giving us gifts and well wishes for our sweet son. How do you say thank you for that?!? As I made up invitation lists and talked about the shower with the planners, I had this fear that they thought that I expected them to do these generous things for me, that they were nearly obligated, but as I see them coming together I can see that they want to do this. They truly do want to celebrate this little life I am creating. It truly amazes me what beautiful people I am associated with. Enormous hearts. A plethora of love and giving. Again, my heart crushes for those who do not know this kind of love. I am a sap right now, and to get some of these feeling out, I am sitting here at work listening to country music (not usually a fan) . Honestly, I have to keep wiping the tears away in case a student comes in. Absurd. But it is a relief. So I will keep it up and spend my Friday crying and waiting for the end of my work day. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend, I have no doubt I will.

Nursery Fears

As I was getting ready this morning, in my room, I looked around me and realized (once again) how much I have left to do before this baby arrives. Usually, it just makes me fret and worry until I just can't do anything about it, but today, it made me realize my actual fears. I have 2 very real fears that are preventing me from committing myself to this nursery:

For one, I am afraid of losing myself. Because I know how much I am "sacrificing" to make this room, how much of my personal items will simply be tossed, I worry that I will eventually lose myself. It's silly, because a lot of it is clothes that I don't even (can't even) wear anymore, even before my bump. But they are clothes I once felt beautiful in. Clothes that people looked at me in and admired my daring style. My purses are all in a box ready to be sold at our yard sale. From now on, it will be my seatbelt bag, or a diaper bag. My makeup has been reduced to my daily-wear, and I am already regretting that, as I search for my best brushes that were accidently tossed, or as I apply my mascara to curl-less lashes. I have 3 sizes of curlers and curling irons that I have to make storage room for in my bathroom, so that I don't become a ponytail queen. I see so many new moms that simply resign to being a baby burp-rag. I do not want that for myself. I do not want to live in pajamas and ponytails. I want my husband to still be attracted to me. I want to feel pretty. I just have to find a way to do that in a much more confined space.

But even more frightening than losing myself is the prospect of getting this room exactly the way I want it for my sweet baby boy, and him never being able to enjoy it. After wanting this for so long and working so hard to get it, I cannot let myself truly believe that it is real. Right now, every kick and wiggle reminds me of how blessed I am. But I also know the harsh reality of life. People die. Babies die. Babies who are perfectly perfect in the womb sometimes do not come out so perfect. What if, after all this, baby Hudson never makes it home??? And I do. I go home, alone, to a room that was made with absolute love, but will never have love in it? That is what scares me most. Terrifies me. And I've only just let myself realize that fear this morning. As I type this, tears are running down my face and my heart is just crumbling. What if???

After letting myself realize these fears, I cannot decide if I am more or less motivated to do the nursery. A part of me says DO IT!!! I shouldn't let some very unlikely fears be my guiding factors. I should overcome those fears and let myself enjoy it. But that other part tells me that my fears are rational, however unlikely they may be.

Remember what I said about being able to keep my emotions in check? Well... they may have run amok a little on Friday. We had "plans" to take our Airstream trailer up to Coalville and stay the night for the car show on Saturday. Well, I thought we had plans. Nothing was etched in stone. It was just an idea I had had several weeks ago and Royce seemed on-board. When I woke up Friday morning, I suddenly realized the disaster that was my house, and that my mother would be walking into that disaster to take care of my dogs. I fretted all morning as I got ready for work and straightened up what little I could. But by the time I got to work, I had decided "to hell with it. It's my mess. She can think what she wants. I'm living life while I can." But apparently my panic in the morning stuck with Royce. Later that afternoon, he called to see if we could go check out my car at the shop and get some of the junk out of it. I asked if they had specifically asked us to come get stuff, and indicated that I would rather not go. And that seemed to be the end of it. Until that evening, after work. We were both starving, and I, once again, was craving "pizzeria" pizza (not delivery!), so we called the Circle Inn in Sunset for a pickup. On our way, we stopped at the ATM for cash. But our stupid card wouldn't work. It was NOT insufficient funds. Royce was sure that it was my fault, that I had done something wrong, or that I had let him key in the wrong-something-or-other, that I could fix it. As we pulled away defeated and confused, and that much hungrier, he started going on about how we were wasting time, nothing was getting done, that the one thing he had wanted to do was not even an option. WHAT?!? How did we get to this?? I never said we couldn't go to Jack's shop, I merely implied that I didn't want to. If I had had any idea that it was such a big deal, I would have just done it. No biggie. But it was. By this time, Royce was screaming and swearing at and about everything. I tried to keep my calm, but I finally screamed and swore back. When we finally got our pizza home and ate it, we had calmed down some, but our plans were completely in the air. He didn't feel like the plans were definite enough, he felt out of control about them and about the fact that his car was in the shop. But I couldn't provide any more info or details, so I don't know what the big deal was. About the car, I trusted Jack's shop to do what needed to be done. About camping, I was completely fine with doing it or not. So, I hid in my playroom, did some cleaning up for baby's room, while he took a nap on the chair. At about 7:30, he slinks into the room, "You ready to go?" and offers me a "sorry." I finish what I'm doing and we quietly load up the trailer. The ride through the canyon was silent. As I was looking out the window, I swell up with emotions, thinking about what my innocent baby had heard, and I start crying. Silent tears ran down my cheeks for 5 minutes or more before Royce even noticed. Then he got very gentle and sweet and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I hated that our son had heard us like that. Royce tried to tell me that he probably thought it was the TV or something ('cuz he knows what a TV is...) and I explained that Hudson knows my voice, knows his voice. A couple of weeks ago, I read an article about babies crying in the womb. There was an ultrasound picture/video that showed the fetus' movements that very distinctly resembled crying, with shaking lips, open-mouth, arched back, etc. All I could think of was Hudson doing this because mommy and daddy were fighting, and no one being able to soothe him. It broke my heart. Royce seemed to understand this, even without the article/video explanation, and was very apologetic for his part in it. We agreed that we could disagree and fight ('cuz it's kind of inevitable) but that we cannot yell like that anymore. It scared me. I cried for another 10-15 minutes, just to get it out.

I am officially freaking out!!!

WARNING TO READERS- The title says it all. Read further only if you intend to bore yourself with the nonsensical ramblings of my freak out. If you do choose to do so, I apologize in advance. My head is not always an organized, rational place to be.

I think I just realized, (or let myself come to reality about), the fact that September is coming.

QUICKLY.

My supposed due date, September 24, is in 86 DAYS!

That is less than 3 months. Just over 12 weeks.

And what if this baby decides that he's ready earlier than that?!? If he has his daddy's timing he will be super early, setting out chairs for his buddies, (car-show speaking...)

There is soooo much to do!!! At the top of my list? Make a baby room!!! I've only been talking about it, planning it, dreaming about it for 2+ years, why would it possibly be done? HA. It's not the painting and baby decorating that intimidates me. It's cleaning up my stuff, decluttering my stuff, condensing my stuff to just the necessities. I am seriously planning on some major disposing of my treasures:

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  I have to go through purses. I have about 30, all of which I think are adorable, but I use ONE. My trusty old seatbelt bag. I will save another one or two, but the rest will be sold or given away.


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  I have to go through shoes. Again, I have soooo many, most of which I don't wear, can't wear, wear but don't actually walk in, or are so dang comfy that they are worn through.


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  I have to go through makeup, keeping only my daily wears, which shouldn't be too hard, just messy. And then I need to find a place to put it. Bathroom? Bedroom?


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  Then there's jewelry. My lovely box of necklaces, that right now look worse than Medusa's head, tangled and clumped. Again, perhaps only for the reason above, I have maybe 2 pieces that I wear regularly. In order to organize this, I need to go buy a nice jewelry box/display/something, which means 1) buying (spending money) something else for myself and 2) bringing something else into my messy room.


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  Then there is my hair stuff. Brushes, combs, clips, elastics, headbands, curlers, heat irons, etc. Where is all this sh*t going?!? Bathroom? Bedroom? Either way, that's another room/area that I have to reorganize & clean, and perhaps invest in organizers.


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  Then there's my classroom stuff. Luckily, (ask me again later...) Royce has taken this job upon himself and has been just loading up boxes and taking them to the basement. While it gets the job done, yes, it would have been nice to see what it is I have. I picked up most of it so long ago that I cannot remember! Guess I'll deal with sorting through it when I have a classroom to worry about...


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  And, lastly, laundry. Aw, lovely. Honestly, I've been living off of a card table. The clothes inside my dressers haven't been touched because 1) they were behind the card table and 2) they don't fit, or aren't for the right season. Now I have to open up those drawers and decide what I might actually fit into again and what I might actually wear again. Then, when I realize that all my clothes are crap, I will need(WANT) to replace them all, which could very well lead to more spending.

Can you see where my hesitation comes in?!? I just do not want to do it! And I really don't have time to do it. Sure, I could make the time, not go to car shows, not go to Raptor games, get home from work and set straight to work, but REALLY?!? I finally got some of my time back!! Plus I am exhausted. My body is physically tired. I sit on the couch to watch TV with Royce and I crash. I don't sleep great at night, (only partially because I am so worried about this damn baby room...) tossing and turning my big ol' bump between my 3 pillows, and waking up 2x to pee. Plus, my body is hard to navigate. I don't know where my boobs and belly begin and end. Having to manuever between furnitures in that small room I may just end up knocking myself out. Ok, so that one is more of an excuse than a reason, since Royce did dispose of my bookshelf and card table and I now have some movable space, but cleaning out the bathroom and bedroom may be a problem...

Other things on my To-do list include actually doing the baby room. Painting (luckily, I have gift cards to Home Depot) and prepping. I have a rocking chair to paint, a crib to modify and assemble, an aquarium to figure out, murals to create. I have shelves and organizers to set up "just so" with my Beatles knickknacks and albums. I have signs and posters to hang. But this stuff I am looking forward to.

ALSO on my list, very high on my list, is to get our bedroom baby-ready. Because even if this baby room does get done, he will be sleeping in our room for the first several months. We don't want to bother with a bassinet, since we have the upper part of our Pram stroller that we can use and easily and safely set on the window bench right next to my side of the bed. But that means clearing that bench off. Cleaning the window beside it, clearing the curtain strings etc. around it. It means dusting. Which, luckily, I think I can get Royce to do. All the knickknacks in the bedroom are his, afterall, and I certainly don't want to ruin them. We have to move our new dresser into the room and figure out our new clothing arrangement. We have to sweep and mop the wood floor. And while I'm at it, I should probably change the sheets too. (More laundry)

Also, while I have my laundry all out, I need to get a hospital bag packed. Comfy pants. Except that that's what I change into every night. Guess I'll have to go buy a cloner pair or two. Honestly, I don't know what else I'll need. There are lists in every pregnancy book and on every pregnancy website, but I just want to hear it from my doctor. Underwear? The kind that can be totally ruined. Well, that's most of mine, hahaha. (Gimme a break, I been married for almost 8 years!!) Shirts? I don't want to pack anything because I want to wear it NOW too, since I'll be throwing most of my crap clothes away anyways...

I guess if you've made it this far, you can see why I am freaking out. If not, that's fine too. This was more a rant for myself, as well as a kind of TO-DO list. Maybe, now that it's written down, the plan is outlined, I might actually make a step towards finishing something.

Or I might just take a nap...

So full of feelings

Watched this video clip in class last night. Nearly made me cry. I have a good cry building up in me. So many amazing, beautiful, frightening feelings and thoughts going through my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-d6D9ivzWvs&feature=fvst

I imagine him with red hair. Always have. I know it's a recessive gene, and my mousey brown hair is more dominant, but I just want a red-headed baby boy so badly! Not even flame red, strawberry-blond would be perfect. And freckles. On his cheeks and shoulders. Poor kid will probably have daddy's complexion, albino-white except where it's red. He'll definitely be ALL boy, jumping in the mud puddles, rocks & bugs in his pockets, climbing on everything. He'll have his fair share of bumps and bruises, but he'll be tough, tolerant of pain like daddy. He'll have eyes like mine, not green, but not quite hazel either. He'll wear a lot of green to play them up. He will have the best smile, and he'll always wear it. He'll have a lot to smile about, lucky, loved little boy! I think he'll be a chub. I hope he'll be a chub! Babies should have squeezable little bodies. He'll always be short. Sorry, kiddo. I wonder if he will be outgoing like daddy, or shy like mommy was? (Yes, I really was, once upon a time...) I wonder what his favorite color will be. Daddy and I will nudge him towards red. I wonder if he'll like bugs or dinosaurs better? I wonder if he'll want to play baseball, soccer or basketball. We hope it isn't soccer! I hope he'll love fishing with Grandpa Perkins, hunting with Grandpa Beck, and building things with daddy. I hope he goes on all the scary rides with daddy, teasing mommy about being a chicken. But I hope he uses my caution when it's needed. I am so excited to see what his creative little brain will do! I wonder if he'll like school? Can I teach him to love reading? And how early will he be a better speller than daddy?! Can he bring home 100% tests like mommy did? Will we pay him for his grades? What kind of chores will he do, and what is the going rate for allowance?! What about baby-sitters?! I've got people begging already to babysit, but what about when he starts moving? Kids gonna move like crazy, just like daddy! And just 'cuz they're friends or family doesn't mean I shouldn't pay them... How hard is it gonna be to go back to work? I know my little man will be in the best hands with Grandma Perkins, but will I be capable of leaving? I've always thought so, but now I wonder. Will I be ok with her teaching him all those important things, seeing all his firsts? It scares me. She will be doing exactly what I would be doing with him (because I learned from the best!) but I worry that I'll be jealous that it isn't me. Will he love her more than me, because he seems to be with her more than me? All questions, thoughts that I've been thinking. 'Cuz I love this kid. I love my Hudson. I worry, then I get excited, then I worry more. And something makes me think it never goes away...

Just kinda cute...

I was laying on the couch last night, absent-mindedly cradling my naked belly and Royce says "You playin' with my baby?" and cuddled up with me, kissing and tickling the tummy. Loved it. Felt like a whole little family. :) ************March 31 update*******************- Even better? Last night, when we were sleeping, he draped his arm around me, and rested his hand softly on my belly. I remember feeling it, along with, though it was probably my dreaming mind, a slight response from inside my body. A flutter of some sort. Can't say that it was baby, but I can let my dreamy brain believe it. :)