Just kinda cute...

I was laying on the couch last night, absent-mindedly cradling my naked belly and Royce says "You playin' with my baby?" and cuddled up with me, kissing and tickling the tummy. Loved it. Felt like a whole little family. :) ************March 31 update*******************- Even better? Last night, when we were sleeping, he draped his arm around me, and rested his hand softly on my belly. I remember feeling it, along with, though it was probably my dreaming mind, a slight response from inside my body. A flutter of some sort. Can't say that it was baby, but I can let my dreamy brain believe it. :)

Week 14 Ultrasound

Lots of wiggles!

Heartache

I've been sick all weekend with a sore throat and runny/stuffy nose. I spent the whole weekend on the couch while my sweet hubby did the grocery shopping and took care of me. After a good night's sleep last night (on the couch), I woke up feeling much better. Phlegmy, but better. I could cough without feeling like a lung was coming up, and my nose wasn't as bad. I was thinking that I'd be okay to go to work. That was, until I went to the restroom. I was bleeding. Not terrible, but definitely bleeding. Scariest thing ever. I looked up the doctor's number and they wouldn't be open until 9am. It was 6:30. I waited until 7 to wake Royce up to tell him. Until that moment, I was too shocked to cry. But once Royce was there with me, I just sobbed. I was so afraid of losing our baby. He kept telling me, "It's going to be ok. I promise. I promise." and rubbed my back. I could tell he was afraid too, but he did a much better job at hiding it to help assure me. A little after 7, I called my doctors emergency number and got ahold of her. She told me that because there was so little blood, and no cramping at all, I was probably just fine. But she also told me to call the office when it was open. I waited until 8:59, and then I called. I got an appointment with another doctor at 9:20. I was at home, 20 minutes away, but dammit, I was going to be there. And I was. Slightly late, 9:22, but I was there, along with Royce who met me there. Doctor Alejo didn't see us until about 10:00, but he showed me my sweet baby, who was bouncing around like crazy, and let me hear the strong wsh-wsh-wsh of the heartbeat and assured me that everything was ok. He advised against intercourse right now and told me to take it easy, but otherwise, Bugatti and I are fine and healthy. Doctor A even gave us an early guess of the sex! I didn't do anything about my appointment on Friday, so I guess I will just go in as scheduled to see my normal doctor and be reassured once more.

Scary day, but things are looking good, and I just love this kid more and more each day. And I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful friend and partner to help me through these harder days.

My birds

Love my ducks!! Lucy and Maxwell

Just something I've noticed... the people you expect to ask you about your pregnancy, don't. Often, the people you don't expect it from at all have the most genuine concern. It's sweet.

The little things in life...

like breathing.

I haven't done it completely on my own in 26 years. By the time I was 3 years old, I knew exactly what to do when I had an asthma attack. I had my own inhaler, knew where it was and how to do it. I even had my own nebulizer and knew exactly how many drops of what medicine was needed. Now-a-days, though, everything is measured out for me. And as convenient as it was to have my own nebulizer, it just wasn't convenient to pack around. Especially on vacations. I always pack a bag of clothes, a bag of necessities and fun stuff and my nebulizer. It was too big to put in a bag with anything else. I've been eyeballing this sweet hand-held, battery-operated machine for quite a while now and finally just did it. I think I'm going to love it! It comes in a case similar to the fancy sunglasses cases and fits right in my purse! I can take it to car shows! I can take it Lake Powell, and not have to worry about taking a generator too! Ah. To be free. Well, kind of. Actually, we got my asthma under control before I ever got pregnant, so I don't even use it all that often, but I'd rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

feathery Fab Four

Royce and I picked up chicks on Friday night. Four feathery, chirpy chicks. Whom I named John, Paul, George and Ringo. Even though they will all be egg-laying hens. Right from the get-go, we could tell who was Paul and who was Ringo. Paul was my favorite. The smallest of the bunch, but with a big strong chirp. Ringo was the fattest and darkest of them all. Anyways, we've been handling them all weekend, just picking them up and loving on them so that they are accustomed to people. I always went for Paul. But as the weekend went along, I started to worry about her. She just looked weaker than the others. But then she'd go and jump on top of the food, claiming her spot above them, chirping loudest of them all and I would be reassured. As I loved her last night, she was still just so skinny and teeny. And she held her legs and wings kind of weird. When Royce woke up this morning and checked on them, she was separate from the others and was already gone. So sad. She didn't make it through the night. We figure she just wasn't eating. We'd noticed it and tried to make she sure was right near the food, but it just didn't work. Luckily, John, George and Ringo are all looking great and strong. Royce is going to go back to the store tonight and see if he can't pick up a "new" Paul for me. Hopefully this one will fair better.

**update** Royce did get us a new Paul. And a Pete Best. They only had two chicks left and they didn't want to leave one on it's own, so they did a buy-one-get-one deal for him. They are both healthier and more the size of the others than Paul I was.

Wanna Laugh?

go here: http://damnyouautocorrect.com/ It is absolutely Laugh-Out-Loud hilarious stuff, although a little Risqué!

Except for this one... I'd be a little freaked if I got this one:

Woke up with a Bump!

I definitely got a bump today! I LOVE IT!

This shirt is usually pretty flattering, wrapping tightly around my waist and chest, but hanging loosely in between. Not today! Today it hugs the belly just so. And the belly is hard, not just flab. I just love it! I've had a goofy grin on my face all day, and as hard as I try to go about my day as usual, all I can think of is Baby! Love this baby!

Week 12

Look at that bump! It's further out than the boobens! But it's funny because it seems to come and go. Love it when it's there!

How I am feeling:

• Still loving this whole pregnancy thing!
• Loving this baby more and more each day!
• Still tired, exhausted some days. Usually I am ok, but if I need a nap, I NEED a nap!
• Emotional still- haven't yelled or cried again, but it's just waiting right there at the surface.
• Appetite seems to be worse. Nothing sounds good. Or I make something, try it, and decide that it is not gonna do it. And I think not eating lots is what causes the headaches.
• My nose is stuffy, then runny, and I'm sneezing a LOT. I'm allergic to everything else, why not pregnancy?
• Am I craving chocolate donuts, or is it just the only thing that sounds good enough for breakfast- I just don't know.
• I'm wearing the prego pants my mommy got me. They're still a little big, and I can fit into my regular pants ok, but these are more comfortable.
• Notice myself peeing a lot again.
  

Motherhood- Can I handle it?!

I know that I will be an amazing mommy. I know that I can teach my kid(s) morals and good behavior. I know that I will be good at disciplining and praising. I know that my kid(s) will be taken care of and provide for. I know that my child(ren) will learn the skills and knowledge needed to succeed in school and life. I know that my baby(s) will be loved unconditionally. I have no doubt in my mind that I can do all of this.

But I do not know that I am emotionally ready for all the What-if's that life throws at us. I am thinking about this because at the elementary school today, we had to talk to the 3rd grade classes about a darling little boy in their class who has been diagnosed with Diffuse Pontine Glioma, a terminal brain tumor. He will begin radiation treatment next week, 5 days a week, which will hopefully delay the growth of the tumor, and prolong his life. But even with this harsh treatment, this sweet little boy is not expected to live more than one more year. It just breaks my heart. How does a parent make a decision like this? Six weeks of watching your baby suffer from the effects of radiation treatment to live to see their next birthday, or opting for no treatment to allow the tumor to slowly take over your baby's life and personality? And, let's be realistic for a minute, how about finances? For that one year of anxious waiting, do you let your family go into debt to pay for treatments, giving you less time and means to enjoy what little time you do have left? How much do you pay for a miracle? And how do you recover when that miracle doesn't pan out? I just do not know what I would do in this situation. As a parent, your first instinct is to fight, fight, fight and never give up. But looking long term, is the fight worth the pain? And these are the decisions that need to be made instantaneously, although they are the kind of decisions that should be considered long and hard. I just don't know. My own heart breaks, and I think of my precious little one and what I wouldn't do for it even right now, 11 weeks in the womb- gender, personality, and soul unknown. I am so very sympathetic for this family. I will be following their story at Dylan can do it!

And there are so many other What-If situations that no parent can ever prepare for:

• What if my baby is born with severe disabilities or limited capabilities?
• What if my baby has a personality unlike my own or it's daddy's?
• What if my baby makes poor decisions, or decisions I don't agree with?
  
• What if my baby grows up to be someone I don't like?
• What if my baby experiments with drugs? Sex? Violence?
  
• What if my baby makes an unthinkable choice and attempts or commits suicide?

and, unfortunately, these What-If's happen all too often. To good kids, and good parents. Most can be prevented, but even the best parents often have little control of them. Most are choices, and this little babe I'm growing already has a little brain of it's own. If I can't control it now, by demanding it move enough to let me feel it, while it's still in my body, fully attached to me, how in the world do I expect to to have control when it's born?

Am I ready? Is anyone ever ready for these What-If's? Can I do this?

Ultrasound 2 - week 11

2nd Ultrasound - 11 weeks

2nd ultra sound- 11 weeks. Again, had to record from my recording, so it's not perfect. But my baby is! :D

The wump-wump-wump sound and blur that messes up the first heartbeat reading is me giggling... ;)

1st Ultrasound

I had to record from my recording, so the sound is crazy. This was my 1st ultrasound, at 7 weeks.

Baby Showers!

I am so excited to get to be the guest of honor! I'm usually the hostess or occasionally, just a guest. I have had offers ever since I found out I was pregnant. My best friend Alex offered to host the cruiser/club shower, and my co-workers Jenni and Linda have offered to do the work one. And I assume that mom will host a family/friend one.

I've also had other people assume that it is their right/duty to host one. Which has caused some discord and discomfort. My only worry for these showers should be to give a date that I can be there and provide a guest list. That's it. I am not planning my own shower. And if I am, then I'm doing it all, and doing it my way. And if someone is kind enough to offer and take it on without drama, then I will love them forever. But when two gals who are distant friends assumed that they were doing the club shower, I had to kindly tell them that someone else had offered, but they could maybe help. They seemed to take it very well. Then this weekend, I was TOLD that 3 other gals were going to do it, without anyone else's assistance, including Alex who had offered first. After some talking, thinking and lots of Royce's "just leave it"'s, I talked to them and explained the situation. One took it very well, one I assume was just dragged into it and probably never heard about any of the drama, and the other got upset at me. That was Weezie. Weezie is not a person you want to have mad at you. I wasn't sure I was ever going to be forgiven. I tried talking about other things and just moving on, but it wasn't working. She could fake it, but she was still upset. After awhile, I couldn't take it anymore. My pregnancy hormones took over and I just started bawling. Royce and Weezie both looked at me with worry. I excused myself and when I finally wandered back over by Weezie, she said she still loved me, sweeping it all under the rug. I know she's hurt and just wanted to help, and I appreciate how many people already love this baby, but I hated being in that position where I was making decisions about a party that wasn't mine to worry about. Hopefully things will settle down from here and everything will work out.

With my work shower, I'm super excited that Jenni and Linda are already working on it. And I was told that another gal is also hoping to get involved and make it bigger and better than all the showers and celebrations I have done, because of how much I have done for others. It feels good to know that these efforts were recognized.

So, while I am not having this baby just so we can party and get presents, I am very grateful that there are so many people who want to celebrate with us and who already love this kiddo.

11 weeks

I had my 11 week appointment last Friday. Royce couldn't come with me because he was at AutoRama, so my friend Alex came with me instead. It was kind of funny because the nurse, doctor and office staff all seemed to think that we were lesbian lovers having a love child! They kept saying things like "Do you guys have any questions?" and "We'll see you guys next time." The appointment itself was quick and good. First, I peed in a cup. Haven't heard anything, so I am assuming all is well. That seems to be the way this doctor's office works. Next, they did my blood pressure and it looked great. When they weighed me, I was surprise to learn that I hadn't gained any weight since last time. Finally they did the ultrasound. I had to undress from waist down, in case they had to go vaginally, but they were able to do an abdominal ultrasound just fine. The picture and images from this one wasn't nearly as clear as the first, but the baby is definitely growing well. Bugatti measures at 10.5 weeks and 3.58 cm, approximately 1.4 inches, and has adorable little hands that waved to us! The heartbeat sounds strong, quote "Perfect." The doctor moved my due date to 9-29-2011.

I forgot to do pictures this weekend, so no bump pictures. :( And I am feeling the same as in past weeks, nothing new. Everything is a little less though, feeling a little less tired and not getting disgusted by smells.

Pregnancy Dreams!

I had a terrible dream last night. I'm still numb from it.

In the dream, Royce and I had gotten into a big fight. Don't even know what it was. But he left, taking some of his stuff, and was sleeping somewhere else. I hated being alone in our house, so I was staying at Mom's. Then, mom and I had to bring some tools to my dad. He was working on our friend Kyle's car, along with AJ, Royce and Marc. When we got there, Royce said hi to me, but it was so casual that I brushed it off. Instead, I pulled out my cell phone and sent him a text message that said something about missing him, but not needing him. And in the dream when I sent this message, I truly felt like I didn't need him. In real life, while sleeping, I am certain that my blood turned cold as I "sent" this message. I felt numb. Both in real life and in the dream. I remember in the dream that I then just bawled, because I knew it was over. I don't know how I didn't wake up bawling.

When I woke up, I remember looking over at Royce and truly not being sure if I could snuggle up to him. I was still thinking that we were over. I lay there awake until the alarm clock went off for our 10 minute warning, and I said "Ten minutes, Royce" but I didn't snuggle him like I usually would. I was absolutely numb. Ten minutes later, the alarm went off again, and Royce mumbled "Ten minutes?" And I replied, "nope. Time to get up." and I finally snuggled up to him, whispering "I'm not mad at you anymore." "hmum. Why were you mad at me?" and I explained my dream to him. He just laughed it off. But I am still so numb.

I hate these dreams!

Dr. Seuss

Happy 107th Birthday, Dr. Seuss!


If I weren't so in love with my Yellow Submarine/Beatles themed nursery, I would totally do a Dr. Seuss nursery! There's lots available out there for a Dr. Seuss nursery, but none of them turn out exactly the same.

Pin Up!

So, obviously, I will be a little more done up, with hair and make-up, but here is my ensemble for the Rockwell's Revival Pin-Up Contest. Not sure I like the petticoat I got, may have to go trade it after my doc appt. on Friday. I want one that pumps my skirt out even more, so that you can kind of see the top of my thigh-highs. Scandalous, right?! And the boobage will be much more highlighted when I am not the one holding the camera. Also, I want to powder myself first, make myself look more porcelain. Getting excited!

Week 10

That might be a bump...

How I am feeling:

• Light headaches intermittently

• Still tired!


• Feeling gaggy more often, still not pukey though


• Moody!! I am sorry to everyone who has had to deal with my moodiness! Not to say that they didn't deserve most of it, especially Royce...
  
• Emotional- crying over drama shows. Not a sucker for the sappy commercials though!


• Actually craved pickles!! Not just any pickle though, a Bogey's pickle!

2nd Ultrasound

Friday is my next ultrasound. I am so excited... seems like it's been forever since I heard that sweet sound of Bugatti's heartbeat! Royce isn't going to this doctor's appointment because it is also the first day of AutoRama and he needs to be there to set up his car. Alex is going with me so that I don't have to go alone. So, supposedly, this is what I should see:

it actually looks like a baby!!

This is what will be happening in my body:

Baby will be approximately 1 1/2 inches long, about the size of a fig.