Down with the sickness

My house has been a house of germs for the last two weeks. Royce was super sick, with a cough, runny nose, upset tummy, fever and the chills just before Christmas. He worried me most because he was constantly freezing. He buried himself in heavy blankets and still shivered. Royce is never cold. He even took a half day off of work! He's fine and dandy now. But now I'm sick. With runny/stuffy nose, cough and sore throat, congested head and chest and my weird symptom of itchy gums. I always know if I'm actually sick, versus allergies, if my back gums itch. I used to say "teeth" itch, which was really weird. I went home early on Tuesday, and went to work late on Wednesday, trying to sleep off this yuck. But it's still here. I'm seriously hoping that it will miraculously be gone tomorrow. I want to enjoy my New Year's Eve!!!

Dancing Sign Guys

I love them crazy dancing sign guys! As I was driving to work today, in the rain and slush, two fellas were out dancing on the corner in bright yellow rain jackets. They definitely had our attention, however, since they had set their signs aside, I couldn't tell you what they were dancing for. A big part of me wishes that I could be the sign dancer, and just let loose the way these guys do. Dancing has never been something I could do. I took dance lessons as a kid and never did very good. I tried out for cheerleader in jr. high, knowing I wasn't capable of it. I watch other people dance and think "I could do that! They're not even good... but look how much fun they're having!" So I think about trying. But then I think about how my body looks flapping about as such and it stops me dead in my tracks. I'll never be a dancer, dammit.

New Years Resolutions

I usually don't set resolutions. But this year, I have a few goals in mind:

1. Royce and I will become "receipt people"- people who get receipts for everything and track all of our spending. We're not the greatest at this, and it always falls to me, so I'm not the greatest at this, so we're gonna work together and keep on top of things.
   
2. As historian for WR&C, I want to be more organized- ordering pictures as I take them and setting them to a presentation for our Christmas party.
3. Royce and I WILL be on our way to parenthood. Simple as that.
   

Christmas Catch-up

Christmas was great at our home! Royce got the giant hand-painted sawblade he's wanted forever. For me, Santa and his elves are working on my bicycle. It's a little behind schedule, but I understand- it's been a busy season! We also got some clothes from our folks, and some good old-fashioned cash, with the instructions to "NOT PAY BILLS- have fun!" with it. We'll see about that. Damn bills just keep coming!! But we're debating a couple of things we could do with it: 1- get that much closer to paying off my car 2- buy siding for the garage. And a small part of me just wants to blow some of it on a nice night out, just me and Royce. Dinner, movie, hotel. So, we'll see.

Our gift-giving this year was sub-par. I made my mom and brother, and re-made my dad's, each an album of memories, and Royce made dad and AJ a fishing pole holder for the garage. For Royce's family, we got his dad a painted sawblade, his sister some smell-good stuff, his Nephew a Lego game. For his mom and brother, my folks helped us get some gift certificates for The Timbermine and The Greenery.

On Christmas Eve, we had dinner at my folks and spent the evening playing games. The boys got a new Wii fishing game. We also watched A Christmas Story. I'm sorry, but I forgot how stupid that movie is!!! Royce absolutely loves it and I thought I enjoyed it too, but NO. Too much screaming, squealing, crying, whining kids!!! My parents teased Royce all night about this "holiday classic."

On Christmas Day, we slept in. I usually cannot do this, but as I've said before, I just wasn't feeling Christmasy. I slept well, no tossing and turning, waiting for "Santa." When we did wake up, we got ready and went up to my folks first. We spent most of the day with them, again, just playing the Wii fishing and hunting game. But we did go up to my Grandpa and Grandma Perkins' house to visit. It was nice to see them. They're so close and I just don't get to see them often enough. I feel guilty! But I think they understand. I hope so. I still love them like crazy! But I think I'm gonna make a better effort to visit them, I'm worried they won't be along too much longer. That evening, we also went to Barbara's house, to eat dinner with the Eames'. It's always nice to be a part of that tradition and it was great to see Bob & Weezie, Mike E and Megan.

So, what I need to say most about Christmas is:

It's good, even without kids- so I'm sorry I was such a humbug....
But I still think it will be better with them.

Know what I hate?
Not being invited.
Know what I hate more?
Not being invited and then having to hear about what a good time you had.
At least if I'm invited, I know that I could have had a good time.
If I'm never even invited,
not only am I completely deprived of that good time,
but now I am having it rubbed in my face,
a lovely little reminder and/or announcement that I wasn't invited.

Another reminder I just didn't need. Thanks.

Weekend and One Day

Friday night we had hay rides again. It was pretty fun, a good night. I went on my first and only ride of the year, with Royce. Mostly, we've been working inside, helping sell tickets and raffle tickets.

When we ordered our dinner, the order-taker, Roxy, asked us "How long you guys been married?" We told her, "7 years" and she responds with "And no kids?!... Well, I guess I was married for 10 before I had kids." Now, I'm sure she didn't mean to be mean, but REALLY?! She has no idea how hard we've been trying. She has no idea how badly we want that. It was harmless, but I am vowing right now to never say those things. I don't know anyone else's story. Maybe they are trying, maybe they've had a bad miscarriage experience, maybe they just don't want kids. It's really none of my business. I know Roxy was just trying to be nice and show interest in us, but she could have worded it differently, not so accusatory. Then, we sit down with our food and our friends, one of the few who don't know our situation, says to us "Ya know, busy season's about over, you guys best be doing some baby-making!" and go on to tell us all about their little grandbabies. Wow, people, we REALLY do not need these reminders. We are all too-aware that we aren't parents yet. Thank you.

Saturday, we slept in til 10... it was fabulous!!! Then we had some errands to run. We went to the bike shop to look for parts for my bike- notta. We also had to get presents for my nephew, Ty. During these errands, however, Royce and I were getting on each others last nerve. It had started early that morning and I don't know what it was, but every little thing we did bothered the other: He left paper plates in the sink, I hadn't done laundry, he leaves shoes out, I'm never home, I was being a grump about Christmas, telling "everyone" it was basically canceled, I was dragging my feet. With my dragging feet, he started complaining about it on our way into the store. I had just gotten out of the truck, was sick of all the fighting, which didn't really just start that morning, but has been an ongoing thing since I've been doing my internship, and I found a little silver ring right there in the parking lot. It was engraved with "Love Life". So I decided that's what I'd do. When he started complaining about my dragging feet, I started marching, lifting my legs high into the air, like a parading horse. I told him I'd do it throughout the store. I almost did too! But it lightened the mood, soon enough we were both giggling and we made it through the rest of the errands ok.

After our errands, we had to do some separate errands. He dropped me off and took my bike up to our friend, Glade's house to tear it apart. I went to fill my prescription and get an oil change. Everything went fine and dandy, and when we got home, it was about time to go to hay rides again.

As we we were getting ready, again, every little thing just stood out as an annoyance. We got to hay rides and pretended like everything was ok. When we got home, we stayed up until midnight, fighting. Well, we'd fight, then we'd shut each other out, then we'd fight again. Finally, we got to a point where we were actually able to talk it out. I think what it all came down to was stress from my internship and me being gone all the time, stress from finances, and stress from family. All we want for Christmas is family. For Royce, he just wants a family that wants him around. He feels so alone. He told me "You're all I have." It just broke my heart to hear how sad he is. And we both want so badly to start our own family. That's a stress in and of itself. I got to hear how Royce truly feels, and it just helped me realize that I am NOT alone.

I have a wonderful husband who supports me in everything I do. As bugged as he is by my internship and work hours, he realizes it's what I have to do, and we'll make it through it. We just need to cherish what little time we do have together, instead of nit-picking at all the little things. One day, I'll be done and have a nice teaching job with normal hours. As for finances, that's our New Years resolution. One day, very soon, we will start tracking everything we spend. As for family, we're doing everything we can, if it's not enough, than we'll keep trying... it's all we can do. One day, we will be amazing parents, full of love and happiness.

On Sunday, after a nice night of relaxing sleep, we had plans to go to Ty's birthday party, and then I was meeting up with my mom, aunt and cousins for lunch. Ty's birthday party went well enough. Sarah did a great job. She made it about him, not about her parent's divorce. Everyone was invited, and everyone showed up. It might have been a little awkward, but at least it was complete and Ty knew that he was loved by everyone.

I don't usually write about my inlaws. I've tried to ignore it, avoid it, stay away from it, but it's such a huge part of who Royce and I are together that sometimes it needs to be addressed. At the party, Royce and I tried to say hi to his mom, but we didn't get much of a response... in fact, he didn't get any response. With his brother, I tried to be nice and get him involved in the game we were playing with Ty. He didn't play, but at least he sat in the same room with us. I wish things weren't so weird with us all. I wish we could just call and talk, just stop in, go shopping together, whatever. I realize we play a part in it as well, but when we reach out, when we try, we are disregarded or rebuked, so we're kind of at the end of our rope. We have nothing else to try. Maybe it'll be better, one day.

We had to leave the party a little early so that I could meet up with my cousins for our Christmas tradition of lunch at The Greenery and shopping at Rainbow Gardens. This tradition started with my Grandma. As we got older, she started taking us girls out for Christmas, to eat lunch, do some shopping and buy a new ornament. Some years, she'd do it as a one-on-one, others we'd all go together. Since Grandma passed, we've done really well keeping the tradition alive. Last year, we couldn't find a day to work it in, so mom and I just went. The year before, it was us cousins, plus their girls. This year, it was us cousins, their girls and our moms. It was a lot of fun to see my cousins again and just catch up with them. Plus, Aunt Shelly was babysitting her new grandbaby, so mom and I took turns holding and loving him! My mom is so good with babies and kids. I wish I could make her a grandma so badly! Again, one day.

As a counselor, I'm constantly told to focus on the Here and Now, so I am all too aware of how hypocritical this post is. But some days, all you can do is hope for One Day. Today is one of those days.

Same situation, different story

Every infertility story is different. But as I read others, hear their stories, their heartache, their pain, I relate. It is my story. Here is another story, that seems so personal, and yet describes my exact feelings and anticipations

Sad

I found this song, I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey, awhile ago and posted the video, but here are the lyrics:

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance

To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

I listened to this song over and over and over yesterday. I just wanted to feel like someone understood. Some days I feel so alone. Royce is a sweetheart, and he wants this so much too, but it just isn't the same. He doesn't feel the attachment yet, but for me, there's already a chord. This song says how I feel, what I want, what I see, what I need, and it lets me know that I am not alone. Others are out there. And, in fact, I know others. They've reached out to me, and I've reached out to them. That helps, a little. But I still, (and I'm sure they do too), feel like my situation is unique. I bawled on and off all day yesterday, just little spurts of silent tears, but it was exactly what I needed. Then, I went to sleep and had dreams just like I have for the past weeks, months, year, about pregnancy, babies and ovulation. This morning, Royce told me that they were noisy dreams, and that I woke him up talking (not mumbling) several times. One time, he heard me say "I didn't ovulate?!?" That's just sad. I'm just sad. I just want to be a mommy.

Let's Try Again

Had another doc appt. today. Nothing new. It's not working.

Now, we need to induce another period, wait, start another medicine, wait, hope for ovulation, if it happens, we'll inseminate, and then it's just more waiting. It's depressing. My doctor is great, he's very optimistic and kind and he's doing everything he can to help us, I just hate that it's so much waiting. So, wish me luck... here we go again!

The good, the bad and the ugly of the weekend.

This weekend was crazy busy. Saturday was our club Christmas party. Royce and I were in charge, so, naturally, I did it all. The party was hosted at my work, so I went in Saturday morning to get the rooms ready. It was a LOT of work!!! I spent four hours moving tables and chairs and decorating. For months, I've been working on a Bingo game and some picture slide shows.

When it was actually party time, everything went amazing. We started at 3 and finished at exactly 5. We were on a time limit because we also had hayrides that night. But nothing seemed rushed either. We ate, visited, took care of some club business, played Bingo and did raffles and gift-giving. Everything seemed to flow. People appeared to be relaxed and happy. And they were thankful. I heard a lot of "thanks!" and "great jobs!" The food was delicious, and there was plenty of it. I was very proud of the way things turned out. Cleanup went well, with everyone pitching in to clear off tables and throw away their trash. The rearranging and whatnot would be done later.

Then we were off to hayrides. I was on an adrenaline rush, from how successful the party had been, but I was also exhausted. I was tired from all the rushing around, but on top of that, I had had to take a Benedryl to stop my eye from swelling. But hayrides went great. We had a total of 521 paying riders! It was warm and people were happy to be outside. I got home and had a great night of sleep.

On Sunday, Royce and I had to go back to my work to finish cleanup. I had told him that it wasn't going to be a quickie thing, that it was gonna take some time, and he seemed to be ok with that. Until it actually did take more than his planned 45 minutes!! We weren't doing things his way, I was telling him what to do (it's my work place, ain't I entitled to want things a certain way?!?), it was too hot, wah-wah-wah! We fought the whole time. It was miserable. I should have done it alone. I totally regretted doing the party at all, which was a shame as happy as we'd been before. I cannot honestly say that I'd do it again. Way too much work. No, I take that back. I'm a sucker, so I would do it again, but I'd do it differently. Either 1) I would make Royce help with set-up and take-down, so he knows how everything goes, or 2) I'd leave him entirely out of it all. The latter is easier, so I'd probably default to that. After cleanup, we had to take some club materials back to storage at Bruce's, so we drove there in silence and discomfort. But, as is typical for Royce, when we got there, everything was hunky-dory. But back in the truck again, silence and tension. We tried to work it out a little, but the tension was still thick. After a quick nap and some miscellaneous chores, we were expected at a friends house for dinner. On our way, we got into another little tiff about something-or-other, totally unimportant. We arrive, and all is good as gold. Dinner was fun, company was great, overall, a great night out. Ride home was relaxed, all fighted-out, except when I left without my purse and didn't notice until we were pulling in the driveway. And, of course, this inconvenience was meticulously planned by me, just ask Royce. After another silent, tension-filled drive to and from North Ogden, we went to bed upset and fighting. I hate that! I hug the very edge of the bed, making sure my naked legs don't touch his naked legs.

I noticed something, though, the whole time we were fighting, we still reassured each other with "I love you," even if it was said so quietly or before a "but..."

Before I climbed into bed though, I thought, hmmm... maybe the fighting is my fault, maybe I'm moody. Maybe I have a reason to be moody and forgetful?? Maybe my tummy isn't weak from the meds, maybe I'm nauseous! Maybe I'm PREGNANT! So I take the last test I have before going to bed. Trying hard to ignore the blinking signal while it's processing. Hoping, praying, wanting nothing more. But when it's done I have another stupid pee stick telling me "Not Pregnant." So now I'm even more mad and sad and upset. And my best friend is already cuddled up in bed, trying to make me think he's asleep so we don't have to fight anymore. So I just keep it to myself. Another loss that never was. He'll never understand that aspect of this. To him, it's not a baby until it's born and he can hold it, see it, touch it. But it's real to me. It's been real to me since July 31, 2009, when he said "Maybe we'll start trying this fall." It's been real to me since I gave up my Coca-Cola, hair dye and started taking prenatal vitamins. Every time that stupid stick says Not Pregnant, or just gives me a single line, I want to chuck it out the window, break it in half, do more than pee on it! Every negative is a loss. It's probably about 25-0 right now.

Even waking up this morning, I was careful not to disturb him. And when it was time to wake him up, it was a quick "Good Morning, I love you", and a pat on the back, and rush out so he doesn't expect a sweet hug or kiss. Before we both left for work today, though, we said our apologies and seemed to relieve the tension.

And I was fine. Until I got to work. I sit down at my desk, and the flood gates open. I just lost it for a minute or two. Luckily, no one else was around. Then I went on with my business like nothing else. Until I got to the school and was set off by one silly little thing and the tears rushed forth again. Again, I was grateful to be alone. I'm back at work now, and things seem to be ok, but my stomach is doing flips and I feel numb.

I just want to be a mommy.

Work Christmas Party

Last Thursday was my work Christmas party. The higher-ups elected to do a campus thing rather than a big fancy dinner with spouses. On the one hand, it was held during work hours, so we got away from our desks for awhile. On the other hand, though, it was with just co-workers. At least if it had been an evening-thing, I could have taken Royce and we could have just gone for the food and been done with it. With just co-workers, I was constantly reminded of how left out I am and how unhappy I am at work. Not for any reason in particular, but for several small things. I'm not in a "group." It's silly how important this high-school mentality still is, but no one can deny how nice it is to be a part of something bigger. Other people carpool together, save spots for one another, go to lunch together, have inside-jokes with each other. Me, I have Jenni. My closest co-worker friend, probably because we are both isolated at the front desk, away from the "groups." Jenni is an amazing friend, very loyal and kind. Exactly the kind of friend I want and need, but I really only get to see her and work with her for an hour, unless I'm working late. And I suppose I also have my boss, Chad. Which isn't a bad thing, at all, but I know it sometimes puts a target on my back. But I truly do enjoy Chad, as a person. We are opposites in so many ways that it just seems balance us out. And I have acquaintances around the campus, I suppose, but nothing that screams out friendship or togetherness.

But, at this party, my two closest friends just weren't enough to make me want to be there. Not even the yummy food, from A Vikings Feast or the great entertainment from Dueling Pianos could make me believe that this is where I belong. Waiting in line for food, I people watched. I watched as people laughed and had a good time. But I wasn't a part of it. It kind of hurt. Watching the entertainment, it was obvious who the IT people are, where the fun table was, and who has the most friends at work. The same people kept being called up to dance or sing, or have songs dedicated to them. Obviously, I was not a part of all that. While I was grateful to not have to sing and dance in front of anyone, I did feel left out and totally apart from it all.



I guess what it all comes down to is the simple fact that I am ready for that next step of life. Moving on to something better for me. Not necessarily better for everyone, but for me, absolutely. I'm ready for my own classroom. I'm ready to be in an elementary school environment and truly be a part of the team. I'm ready to be a fixture somewhere where I will be appreciated and loved. I'm ready to use my skills, talents and education to make myself happy and do what I love. But I still have another 8 months- at least!!! I wonder if I'll make it?

What to do, what to do?!?

I'm feeling high-school drama all over again. One of my childhood friends invited me to her wedding this week. I was thrilled to get the invite. Even though we haven't "talked" in over 10 years, we have re-connected via the internet. We weren't even speaking when I invited her to my own wedding 7 years ago. But I wanted to invite her. As a kid, I'd always envisioned sharing that day with her, so it felt right to ask her to be a part of it. And I was absolutely astounded when she showed up. And I am still amazed at the beautiful afghan she gave us. I can only imagine the time and effort that went into such an amazing gift. So, now it is my turn to return that kindness. And I am at a total loss. First of all, I do not have any creative talents for making gifts. I do not sew, crotchet, quilt, or use needles of any sort. Second of all, I am flat broke. Thirdly, even if I could dig up some moola, everything they've registered for has been bought, and I don't know her well enough anymore to know what she would like. I so want to go to this wedding, if only to make an appearance, but I need something in-hand. A part of me wants to impress her, because of how impressed I am by her afghan, and this part almost makes it feel like a competition. Which is not what I want!! The biggest part of me just wants to support her and show her how much I still care. But I am so close to bowing out, after-all, I am scheduled to work. I could bow out gracefully, using work as an excuse. But I really don't want to have to do that. What to do? What to do?!?

Update: I went. I took a $20 gift card... and my mommy. It was interesting, awkward, and beautiful. And I'm happy that I went.