Truly Classic
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
It WILL happen.
I have been avoiding it. Pretending like I don't care. But I do. I do care- A LOT. But I also know that I made the right decision. Having my family right now is more important than having my career. I will be a teacher. I will be an AMAZING teacher. My students will love me, and love learning. My classroom will be spectacular. My parents will adore me and want to volunteer. My principal will be awed by my initiative. My peers will be jealous of my rapport, but still love me because of it. It WILL happen. I know it will. I have no doubt. Just sadness. Especially as I watch the students waiting at bus stops and read my teacher-friends' status' about their classrooms and students. I wish it were me. And if I didn't have something even more exciting right around the corner, I would be absolutely crushed and heart-broken. But my baby girl keeps me strong. I know I am doing right by her, and by my students, by being mommy first. I know that everything I have done from the time I completed my teaching degree will only make me a better teacher. I know it. I just hope that when I am ready to do interviews again in a few months that they will know it too. I am (almost!) ready to dive back in to the job search, but this time, I am ready to conquer. I have backed off, but when baby is here and I am 100% sure that I can handle it all, I will be back on the prowl, but stronger. I will renew my applications, update my portfolios, re-screen with the districts. I will do everything in my power to get my name to the top of all the lists. Yup, it's going to happen.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Hudson's birthday
Hudson had a great birthday. On Saturday, we had our HotRod party at our home. Everyone had a great time. It is so neat to know how very loved our little boy is. He is adored by so many people. Honestly, the best compliments I can receive anymore have to do with my son, whether it is to tell me he brings you joy, or to tell my husband and I what good parents we are, or to tell me about a time when you saw him do something extraordinary. Luckily, I received all of these and more this past week, lighting up my heart just that much more.
His birthday party was a success. I didn't go all out like I did last year- I just didn't have it in me. Also, because it was HotRod theme, I didn't have to. We had what we needed- I didn't have to collect and search and spend. But it all turned out great anyways. Royce and I worked all night Friday and all day Saturday getting our home ready for guests. I love hosting events like this- it's a good motivator for cleaning and even gets my hubby going!! Our yard is great for hosting outside things and everyone seemed comfortable and happy visiting with the other adults or kids playing with the other kids. Hudson got some neat presents and was excited to see all his friends, but by the end of the night, he was practically pushing them out the door with a friendly "bye!" because he was exhausted and ready to play quietly alone. He's funny like that, he knows when he needs some alone time and is good about taking it.
On Sunday, we mostly relaxed and cleaned up the party stuff. But Monday, the actual day-of, I took off of work and Hudson and I went boating with Grandma and Grandpa Perkins. It was nice to relax and play with my boy. He loves being on the boat and playing on the beach. After boating, we went home for a bit before running some errands for daddy. Royce needed new tires on his truck, so we spent a good 45 minutes in the waiting room of Discount Tires, but Hudson was good as gold playing quietly with his cars and eating a snack. Then we went to the car wash and rinsed the truck down- Hudson was such a helper! We finished the night off with an Ogden Raptors game. When I heard them announce my baby's birthday over the loud speaker, I lost it. Just for a minute, and only so that Royce could see, but water works and all. It's like it just HIT me that my baby would never be 1 again. That he was growing up. It punched me in the gut, just real quick-like. And then I was fine. Because he is growing into a wonderful little person and I have wonderful memories of his 1-year-old adventures. Some of these adventures and memories will be with me forever, others will pop up and surprise me when triggered, and some are simply gone- but they were all cherished and enjoyed. Now, I look forward to the adventures yet to come. It's all I can do. My baby is growing up.
Also on Monday, Hudson received a card from Royce's mom. A card. A cute card, granted, but a simple printed card with nothing hand-written except a "Grandma Arlene 2013." Well, there you go, "grandma." I made sure Hudson got your card. And, in fact, I will put it away with the one from last year. When he is older, he will know that "grandma" cared enough to send a card. She didn't care enough to let go of petty personal issues, she didn't care enough to drive the 4 miles to see you, she didn't care enough to call, and she didn't care enough to say hi or play with you when we were all at the same park for your cousin's football game, but she did care enough to buy and sign a card. And one day Hudson will look through his keepsakes and ask "who is Grandma Arlene???" And we will tell him everything he deserves to know. We will tell him that he is a lucky little boy with more Grandma's than most children, that he is loved more than any child and that it is her who missed out, not him.
I hope my sweet boy had a great birthday. I truly believe he did. I know I did everything in my power to make sure he did. And I always will.
His birthday party was a success. I didn't go all out like I did last year- I just didn't have it in me. Also, because it was HotRod theme, I didn't have to. We had what we needed- I didn't have to collect and search and spend. But it all turned out great anyways. Royce and I worked all night Friday and all day Saturday getting our home ready for guests. I love hosting events like this- it's a good motivator for cleaning and even gets my hubby going!! Our yard is great for hosting outside things and everyone seemed comfortable and happy visiting with the other adults or kids playing with the other kids. Hudson got some neat presents and was excited to see all his friends, but by the end of the night, he was practically pushing them out the door with a friendly "bye!" because he was exhausted and ready to play quietly alone. He's funny like that, he knows when he needs some alone time and is good about taking it.
On Sunday, we mostly relaxed and cleaned up the party stuff. But Monday, the actual day-of, I took off of work and Hudson and I went boating with Grandma and Grandpa Perkins. It was nice to relax and play with my boy. He loves being on the boat and playing on the beach. After boating, we went home for a bit before running some errands for daddy. Royce needed new tires on his truck, so we spent a good 45 minutes in the waiting room of Discount Tires, but Hudson was good as gold playing quietly with his cars and eating a snack. Then we went to the car wash and rinsed the truck down- Hudson was such a helper! We finished the night off with an Ogden Raptors game. When I heard them announce my baby's birthday over the loud speaker, I lost it. Just for a minute, and only so that Royce could see, but water works and all. It's like it just HIT me that my baby would never be 1 again. That he was growing up. It punched me in the gut, just real quick-like. And then I was fine. Because he is growing into a wonderful little person and I have wonderful memories of his 1-year-old adventures. Some of these adventures and memories will be with me forever, others will pop up and surprise me when triggered, and some are simply gone- but they were all cherished and enjoyed. Now, I look forward to the adventures yet to come. It's all I can do. My baby is growing up.
Also on Monday, Hudson received a card from Royce's mom. A card. A cute card, granted, but a simple printed card with nothing hand-written except a "Grandma Arlene 2013." Well, there you go, "grandma." I made sure Hudson got your card. And, in fact, I will put it away with the one from last year. When he is older, he will know that "grandma" cared enough to send a card. She didn't care enough to let go of petty personal issues, she didn't care enough to drive the 4 miles to see you, she didn't care enough to call, and she didn't care enough to say hi or play with you when we were all at the same park for your cousin's football game, but she did care enough to buy and sign a card. And one day Hudson will look through his keepsakes and ask "who is Grandma Arlene???" And we will tell him everything he deserves to know. We will tell him that he is a lucky little boy with more Grandma's than most children, that he is loved more than any child and that it is her who missed out, not him.
I hope my sweet boy had a great birthday. I truly believe he did. I know I did everything in my power to make sure he did. And I always will.
Monday, August 5, 2013
High Expectations
It sucks to have high expectations and be let down. Royce's meeting with his mom went horribly. Honestly, I thought I had it figured out, thought I knew what she wanted. I rehearsed with Royce what needed to be said and understood for us to move on from here. I truly thought this was her chance to apologize and move on, our chance to start over. I even postponed sending out birthday party invitations with "hope" that I would need to send one to "Grandma" Arlene.
But the whole meeting was just an opportunity for her to rehash every issue she ever had with Royce and/or the divorce in general. She took the whole time complaining that it was Royce who had caused the rift between the two of them, that he hadn't tried to keep in touch with her, etc. etc. She claimed to have reached out with her specific examples being an instance when she brought him a birthday card over a few years ago- a simply signed card, with no emotions or message besides whatever Hallmark had to say- hand-delivered by her to our door, but quickly dropped off despite his invitation into our home and attempt at small talk, with the explanation of "I can't do this" as she basically ran to her car; and some supposed letters that she sent and accuses me of throwing away. WTF?!? Seriously, the things she brought up that actually had anything to do with Royce and not the divorce, were so petty and ridiculous. She is not a mother at all. A mother would never hold such petty grudges against her child, a mother would never let materialistic things or money come between them, and a mother would never reject her child. A mother would own up to her own short-comings and forgive her children of theirs. She has so many issues that I doubt that we will ever get to have the relationships we were looking forward to. It seems as though this meeting was simply a way to stir up all the negative feelings we keep stuffed down and let them come to the surface, her way of making sure she isn't forgotten. Nothing was accomplished at all, except that they were able to say their piece and end it all with an "I love you but."
I guess that that is more than we can ever expect from her. We will continue our lives as before, knowing that we are doing what is best for our family. Knowing that she is the one missing out, not us, and certainly not our little boy, and soon-to-be baby girl. These kids have more grandparents, more love, than anyone I know. What she has to give is not love but guilt, resentment and self-indulgence. Until she realizes that life is more than that, I hope to protect my family from it. My husband deserves better. My children deserve better.
But the whole meeting was just an opportunity for her to rehash every issue she ever had with Royce and/or the divorce in general. She took the whole time complaining that it was Royce who had caused the rift between the two of them, that he hadn't tried to keep in touch with her, etc. etc. She claimed to have reached out with her specific examples being an instance when she brought him a birthday card over a few years ago- a simply signed card, with no emotions or message besides whatever Hallmark had to say- hand-delivered by her to our door, but quickly dropped off despite his invitation into our home and attempt at small talk, with the explanation of "I can't do this" as she basically ran to her car; and some supposed letters that she sent and accuses me of throwing away. WTF?!? Seriously, the things she brought up that actually had anything to do with Royce and not the divorce, were so petty and ridiculous. She is not a mother at all. A mother would never hold such petty grudges against her child, a mother would never let materialistic things or money come between them, and a mother would never reject her child. A mother would own up to her own short-comings and forgive her children of theirs. She has so many issues that I doubt that we will ever get to have the relationships we were looking forward to. It seems as though this meeting was simply a way to stir up all the negative feelings we keep stuffed down and let them come to the surface, her way of making sure she isn't forgotten. Nothing was accomplished at all, except that they were able to say their piece and end it all with an "I love you but."
I guess that that is more than we can ever expect from her. We will continue our lives as before, knowing that we are doing what is best for our family. Knowing that she is the one missing out, not us, and certainly not our little boy, and soon-to-be baby girl. These kids have more grandparents, more love, than anyone I know. What she has to give is not love but guilt, resentment and self-indulgence. Until she realizes that life is more than that, I hope to protect my family from it. My husband deserves better. My children deserve better.
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